For far too long, UBC students have democratically elected a president following weeks of intense campaigning, multiple debates and endorsements. It’s time someone put a stop to it.
At least that’s what sixth-year poli sci student Mike Scandal thinks.
Scandal arrived to our interview scraping along the ground on an upside-down skateboard.
“Democracy, more like dumbocracy,” said Scandal, putting a hand up for a high-five before pivoting to a dab when I didn't engage.
Despite the voting period already being well underway and the deadline to get on the ballot long past, Scandal is confident he’ll be the next AMS president.
“That’s autocratic ruler for the 2024/25 academic year to you,” said Scandal, glaring into my eyes with a… cannibalistic hunger(?).
I asked Scandal why students would want a non-democratically-elected president.
He told me to shut up.
“As a president with no campaign and therefore no campaign promises, I promise to follow through on absolutely nothing, just like every past AMS president,” said Scandal. “Unlike other candidates who will not be named — I don't recognize AMS history — I won't promise to deliver on health care or society policy and then turncoat and become a villain. I'm already a villain.”
I asked Scandal how he planned to become president considering the voting period has already started and he’s not even officially running.
He told me to shut up.
“No one asked for your opinion — this isn't a democracy, or at least it won't be soon,” said Scandal.
“It's actually quite simple: I will become the next AMS president by pulling off the sickest trick this campus has ever seen.”
When asked what “sick trick” could possibly lead to his election, Scandal told me to shut up.
“To become the next AMS president, I will execute a flawless double ollie fakie kickflip backflip over a bus on top of a motorcycle,” said Scandal, his eyes wide and bloodshot.
“After the student body sees me execute a flawless double ollie fakie kickflip backflip frontside buttside over a bus on top of a motorcycle, they'll have no choice but to protest the election and install me as supreme leader with no actual power, AMS president,” Scandal said.
Scandal doesn’t care who you vote for.
“It won't matter after my sick as hell trick,” said Scandal.
“Some — fools — may doubt my ability to execute a double ollie fakie kickflip backflip frontside buttside nosegrind halfcab over a bus on top of a motorcycle, and for them I present the following illustration,” said Scandal.
He then handed me this:
“I have visualized the trick and manifested for like 20 minutes now,” said Scandal. “Plus I know I'm a great skateboarder, I just haven't tried yet. It's happening, and there's nothing you or anyone in the AMS can do to stop it.”
Despite claiming not to have any campaign promises, Scandal outlined the following platform.
“I promised not to promise anything, but I also promised not to follow through. So I’m gonna do all this shit when I’m president and there’s nothing you can do to stop me,” said Scandal.
Destroy the AMS and create a new student society, the MMS
“No, the M doesn't stand for Mike — I'm a dictator, not a narcissist,” said Scandal.
“The Malma Mater Society will be functionally identical to the Alma Mater Society, just imperceptibly better and cooler in every way,” Scandal said.
When asked to elaborate, Scandal explained that MMS Council and Committees will be the same as those in the AMS, but remade with props from Judge Steve Harvey and no institutional knowledge.
“By destroying the AMS and wasting my time creating an entirely new and exactly alike student society, I’ll have the perfect scapegoat for whenever students complain,” said Scandal. "MMS is probably not a multi-level marketing scheme."
Say things about world events
“That's right. My takes will be awful, but I will say them and you will be forced to listen,” said Scandal.
“First—”
The Ubyssey has removed the remainder of Mike Scandal's statement following outrage and condemnation from progressives, liberals, right-wingers, alt-right-wingers and even those "centrist" fuckers everyone hates.
Make tuition illegal
“All tuition-paying students, by loan, scholarship or nepo-parent, will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” said Scandal.
“I look forward to being your AMS, I mean MMS president, and I don't give a shit who you vote for.”