Every February, a crowd of ambitious UBC undergraduates gather nominations from at least 25 peers, submit forms to an elections administrator and begin the depraved competition for a seat at our campus’s own storied and exclusive Robert's Rules of Order club (the AMS).
Once elected, these warworn, often student executives are expected to exercise their new student powers of managing tens of millions in funds, overseeing the Nest and hundreds of clubs, lobbying governments and (apparently) emailing the entire student populace to further the society’s stated mission “To improve the quality of the educational, social and personal lives of the students of UBC Vancouver.” Therefore, according to an incessant series of opinions from The Ubyssey, voting “matters.”
But I don’t read The Ubyssey and in my opinion, what matters more is that I have a lot of assignments on PrairieLearn to complete. So this year, it is my solemn intention to avoid the cognitive intrusion that is AMS elections at any level of personal or external cost. For those who wish to follow suit, here is my advice for the next few weeks.
Stop attending lectures
Oral communication for the purposes of campaigning is sadly allowed by section 9A, article 2, item 6f in the AMS Code of Procedure. Making use of this permission, AMS candidates, the yappers they are, have a tradition of seizing the first few minutes of lectures during the campaign period (March 2–14 this year) to introduce themselves to the electorate (AKA you dorks). This is most common in 100-level arts courses because children are easily influenced, especially those planning to get an arts degree in today’s economic climate.
Avoiding these instances of speech-making is simple: stop attending lectures. I foresee no trouble following this advice myself, as I stopped attending lectures four terms ago.
Refuse to enter or look in the direction of the Nest
Those who frequent the Nest will know it is not uncommon to recognize a student politician in the building. During election season, this inconvenience grows to an unbearable magnitude.
The “distribution of food and non-alcoholic drink” by candidates is permitted during the campaign period. Candidates take advantage of this allowance by patrolling the halls of the Nest with candy in arms. Do not be fooled! Very similar to the practices of the cannibalistic witch in the tale of Hansel and Gretel, these sweets are a trick! But instead of being consumed, those drawn into proximity will fall to a much worse demise: exposure to a student politician’s platform.
So, refuse to enter or even look in the direction of the Nest starting March 2. Enjoy studying there? Stop studying altogether. Have an addiction to Blue Chip? Pick up smoking to substitute. Are you some kind of socialite with a membership to a club that meets in one of the Nest’s many club rooms? Join the rest of us by becoming a member of the loneliness epidemic instead.
Abstain from r/UBC
r/UBC, usually an enlightening community where intelligent and edifying discussions on topics such as “why don’t I have a girlfriend?”, “Am I the only one on campus who hates joy and has no friends?”, “who else failed that midterm?” and “why don’t I have a boyfriend?”, becomes a wicked domain of intolerable AMS chatter during election season. Our ordinarily “trusted” and “beloved” redditors will publish aggravated endorsement messages and — even more criminal — argue! Is Heaven not safe from the activities of Hell? It appears not. Unfortunately, you and I will have to exercise self-control and inhibit ourselves from further introspective explorations of partner-less despair until after March 14.
Death is preferable to reading The Ubyssey
The Ubyssey (which, for those who are unaware, is the campus’s student newspaper) will be covering these damned elections with profiles, debate recaps, analysis and other cruel threats to my wellbeing. AMS council meetings are like Sunday service to these freaks. Stay far away from them! And obviously, do not read The Ubyssey. This is more difficult than it sounds. Our campus is infested with newsstands bearing copies of their distracting material.
Always beware, for a headline may flash into sight before you can evade. How might you avoid this fate? Try going blind. If that's too far, you should wear a geofence shock collar around your throat instead. Find yourself too close to a Ubyssey distribution site and ZZzZ CKCKC WUM SHHH ZAP ZAP ZAP AAAHHHH WHAM — your new accessory will incapacitate you! Cute and functional!
Of course this will not be enough. Although thankfully scarce, sick people with irrational values like “staying informed” or alien motivations like the “joy of reading” exist at this university. Sometimes, these specimens will actually pick up a Ubyssey copy and stroll about with it, meaning danger could find you anywhere you go. Therefore, you’re going to want to hire a squad of at least 20 snipers to follow your every movement at a distance with tranquilizer guns trained on your neck at all times. Safety is knowing that if the games page from a stray issue of The Ubyssey floats by in the wind, several shots of sedative will rip through your flesh and flood your bloodstream before the visual stimuli can be transmitted through the optic nerve to your cerebral cortex.
Several weeks later you might wake up — likely in hospital and experiencing tremendous pain — happy to have escaped another round of AMS elections. And if you don’t wake up, same thing!
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