From the Cult: Give us our SkyTrain

Between caffeine-fuelled nights and skipped classes, have you noticed an increase in well-groomed suit types? Have you video bombed such an offender while they were passionately making grand gestures with their hands in the Nest? Well grab your Ubyssey bingo card cause US AMS elections are here, baby. 

Like all the other AMS positions, VP External Affairs is involved with everything and anything that matters. From sweet talking government officials to sweet talking government officials, they are responsible for building “friends with benefits” relationships with external organizations. Check out what they achieved according to their 2022 report:

Transparency and accountability? COMPLETED. 

Student Financial Aid? COMPLETED.

Student Safety & Wellness? COMPLETED.

Climate Action? (not) COMPLETED

Saving the World? COMPLETED

Transit? Well….

Hate to break it to y’all, but remember that shiny new SkyTrain you extended your degree for? That relies on the VP External Affairs getting real close to the external affair of Metro Vancouver and coming to an “understanding.”

But the new candidates don’t want an understanding and nor do they want a SkyTrain. An internal external source recently revealed that the candidates have much grander, more malicious transport plans.

Late Busatzky

Allegedly the grandson of the first BC bus in 1948, Busatzky has expressed a clear disdain for any form of SkyTrain. 

“These young punks think they can take our jobs with their electromagnetism and timely delivery,” Busatzky spat. “Well they’re wrong. Nothing beats a six-cylinder diesel-powered engine.” (It should be noted that most buses in Vancouver are actually electric so it is unclear what he’s referencing).

He went on to say that streets should not be open to cars. Or bikes. Or people. 

Only buses.

“Picture it,” Busatzky said, staring dreamily off into the distance. “Buses — head to tail from Vancouver to UBC all inching forward as far as the eye can see.”

When asked about delays and wait times, he said, “Who wants to be on time for class when you could spend that time on a bus?”

Tim Gone

Wait, what? He dropped out already?

AyeAyeSha Seafan

Buses on land, trains in the sky, AyeAyeSha Seafan rejects them all. 

“Boats. It’s always been about boats for me,” Seafan shouted from a floaty in “fast” swim lane at the UBC Aquatic Centre, apparently unbothered by the angry swimmers as she sipped a margarita. It was 10 a.m. on a Tuesday.

It is unclear what Seafan’s exact plans are in terms of this boat to campus. Her publicity assistant assured that the boat would be an affordable, practical SeaBus like those from Vancouver to North Van. 

“[Seafan] just wants MetroVan to consider transportation alternatives that bypass high-concentration areas during rush hour,” said her assistant.

Ignoring tiny issues like cargo shipping routes and high costs, this solution presents virtually no logistical difficulty. A single SeaBus can carry nearly 400 passengers while a Canada line car can only carry 144. Commuters from West Van would be offered a more direct route and even Richmond commuters would avoid bottlenecks on the Oak Street bridge. 

But while her publicity assistant says one thing, Seafan says another. 

“Nahhh,” Seafan said before flipping off her assistant. “For the boat, I’m thinking of wide, wooden beams and a bright white mainsail. I’ve always loved Pirates of the Caribbean. Could you imagine playing ‘He’s a Pirate’ as you rush to school?”

At least it would be sustainably powered, I guess. I don’t know how boats work.

While we may never get a SkyTrain to UBC, we will get a VP External Affairs, so go vote — even if it's from the bus in the seventh hour of your commute.

From the Cult is The Ubyssey’s unofficial AMS Election coverage. For official elections coverage, visit the news section and follow us @UbysseyNews on Twitter.