From the Cult: Burns Bog blunders blithely ballotward

With a sickening squelch, the entirety of the Burns Bog heaved itself into the debate room. “This is the BoG election debate, right? You oughta elect me! I’m a bog!” it gurgled. The race had surely been shaken up, as well as the room, which collapsed moments later.

The electoral landscape has changed considerably in the wake of the bog heaving itself out of Delta, leaving a 3500-hectare hole behind, and oozing its way over to Point Grey. “And boy, that’s not a good commute.” it told us in its opening statement at yesterday’s Great Debate. “Traffic on the Oak Street Bridge was terrible.”

Jeff Jefferson, a random person we accosted on the street who hopefully goes to UBC, was ambivalent on the bog’s BoG candidacy. “I mean, is the entire point just a stupid pun?” he asked. “Is it even sentient? How does a bog walk around, anyways? I have questions.” The bog, as of press time, has offered no answers beyond those implied by its continued presence.

For the duration of the campaign, the bog has set itself up inside the UBC Fountain, hurling campaign slogans at passersby. “Bog for BoG!” it gurgled at a group of passing students, who regarded the 8600-acre muck with confusion.

The Burns Bog, to its credit, has a long list of comprehensive policy positions. Its signature proposal, in the interest of sustainability, is to demolish the entire UBC campus and turn it into a festering swamp. 

“Imagine how cool it’ll be once this entire place is nothing but mud and disease-carrying wildlife,” shouted the bog.

The bog’s climate plan is an additional key part of its platform. “I’ve been regulating the ecosystem of the Lower Mainland for 10,000 years!” it proclaimed at a recent appearance. When asked about its advanced age affecting its fitness for the position, the bog insisted it was as healthy and mentally sound as it was 3000 years ago.

It also has various suggestions for new technology to streamline the BoG’s operations. However, in our interview with the bog, it appeared to be under the impression that “blockchain” is a brick attached to a chain, which it plans to chase after late tuition payers with.

As for what to do with the large quantity of funds the BoG oversees after campus has been destroyed, the bog suggested it be withdrawn in quantities of $5 bills, placed in a large pile and burnt for warmth. 

It was disappointed to hear this is already BoG policy.

The bog also came ready for questions about its prior experience. “You want experience?” it asked. “Board experience? I’ve got all sorts! They mostly collapsed under me, but still...”

BoG talks bog

Meanwhile, the work of the outgoing BoG was not done yet. According to our sources, they met, as is traditional, atop the highest floor of the Alumni Centre in a pitch-black room, save for beams of light emanating from unclear origin, illuminating the members.

“I am BoG. I stand between the candle and the star.” intoned the final arrival. “We are BoG. We stand between the darkness and the light.” responded the rest. Ritual completed, the 21 took their places.

“An outsider approaches our midst, my brethren.” spoke one hooded figure. “The Burns Bog has entered the election.”

“I see no cause for concern.” spoke another. “Though a literal bog it may be, it won’t support a tuition decrease.”

A hiss arose from the other members, who shrank back. “Speak not the forbidden words!” screamed the first figure.

“My sincerest apologies,” spoke the transgressor.

“We’re gonna have to hike it another 5 per cent to make up for the psychological damage you just inflicted, you know.” sighed another hooded figure.

“What if it wants to … decrease parking prices?”

“Silence, gnat!” thundered the first figure. “No such heresy shall be tolerated within these hallowed walls. Anyways, I’ve been thinking, we should implement a fee for washroom usage, what does the board think?”

A chorus of “ayes” filled the room.

No BoG members could be reached for official comment after their meeting, unless you count a number of grave maledictions sent to The Ubyssey in Sumerian.

So, does the Burns Bog have bright electoral prospects? Opinions around campus vary.

Fourth-year anti-facultyist Madeline Persson was unimpressed by the bog’s campaign. “It’s kind of stupid, honestly.” she said. “Bog for BoG? Really? It sounds like the stupid idea of a mediocre satirist.”

Frat guy and maybe third-year student Kayden Brockington was more positive. “Hell yeah, dude! Raze all of UBC? Sounds like a party to me! Wait, you don’t think they’re gonna keep holding classes afterwards, do you?” Brockington said.

UBC President Benoit-Antoine Bacon was least optimistic of all. “Who are you? How did you get in here? Leave before I call the cops!” said Bacon.

It’s unclear if the Burns Bog will achieve its desired position. For a last word, Jefferson was less enthused by the bog’s swampification proposal. “It seems kind of extraneous.” he said. “Like, the Angus building is right there already.”

At press time, all 8 other BoG candidates were seen fleeing down Main Mall away from the bog, which has developed the innovative new strategy of literally eliminating the competition.

From the Cult is The Ubyssey’s unofficial AMS Election coverage. For official elections coverage, visit the news section and follow us @UbysseyNews on Twitter.