Good afternoon Mr. — SORRY — Dr. Bacon, on behalf of The Ubyssey's humour section I'd like to get things off on the right foot. I'm sure this week has been difficult, but nothing can be more stressful than the paralyzing fear of how we'll lampoon you.
Fear not! The humour section has previously torn down UBC presidents (for shame), but you have a breakfast-themed name, so we would never do that to you.
One thing you should know about us is that we love breakfast and hate Christmas here at The Ubyssey.
I've spent the past week and a half trying to tell you this, but I can't seem to find you. I thought that maybe you were just hiding from The Ubyssey, but no one else I've talked to has seen you.
I've wandered the weird balconies of the Nest, shouted your name from the top of Buchanan Tower and even went into the Math Annex — that's five years off my life expectancy from asbestos inhalation — but I had no luck trying to find you.
I hope that you read this message (article) and see how much I (and at least like five other students) care. As a gesture of goodwill and a visual aid for myself and all the other students who haven't seen you, I've commissioned a portrait of you. Feel free to use it in the Ridington Room or hang it on your fridge.
Wow, isn't he majestic? Wait, fuck.
That's not Benoit-Antoine Bacon.
That's UVic President Kevin Hall.
Sure, he is an old white guy, but he has hair and Santa Ono glasses. That's not our breakfast president.
Let's try this again.
Ok. This is a start. Bacon does ride motorcycles. Or at least he looks like a guy that would ride motorcycles.
But this isn't a portrait that would fit in the Ridington Room. We're trying to get this to the Ridington Room people! Back to the drawing board (Photoshop).
This is clearly that one famous painting of King Louis XIV.
His name isn't even pronounced like ˈbeɪkən (beyy-con). We're trying to be nice to the guy — it's his second week on the job!
Dr. Bacon, we're so sorry for all this confusion. We would never compare you to a delicious breakfast food.
FUCK. Sorry you weren't supposed to see that.
Is that Benoit ... Blanc?
Christ.
Ok well at least it's a Benoit this time. And he's got a French-sounding last name, so that's something?
Dr. Bacon, please enjoy this portrait of Benoit Blanc. We've already sent it to the Ridington Room people, so we hope you enjoy looking at it the next time you visit campus, which I assume happens at 3 a.m. when no one is around to see you.
Wait, that was mean.
Breathe in. Breathe out. No goofing or gaffing.
We hope this portrait of James Bond-emeritus Daniel Craig as Benoit Blanc marks the start of a beautiful friendship.