It's 9 a.m. You've come off an hour and half on the 49 bleary, dreary and ready to murder the next person who tries to talk to you. But before you can recover your energy with a Blue Chip cookie or five, a VP admin candidate grabs your phone from your hands, votes for themself, e-transfers themself 40 bucks and walks away.
This new campaign strategy, which we're calling "illegal," sees candidates rocket to the top of early AMS Elections polling by stealing students phones and voting for themselves.
I talked to students to get their opinions on this bold new approach.
"It's theft, it's robbery, it's wrong, I won't stand for it, and all doing it should be ashamed," said eighth-year elections student Snax Watson, "Margot Robbie deserves the nom."
When asked about the phone stealing, Watson said, "stealing phones and forcing students to vote for them? Seems like a non-issue. But Robbie was was robbed! Did you not see Barbie?"
Third-year arts student Pringle Jangle had their phone stolen by a candidate.
"It was some guy in a ski mask, and he ran off with [my phone] after I gave him the password," said Jangle. "I didn't catch which position he's running for, but he was definitely running."
"I haven't gotten it back, but I'm sure they'll return it after the voting period ends — candidates are just so busy," said Jangle.
"This is so fucked up. Voting in AMS Elections is one of the few ways we're able to have some control over what happens here," said second-year economics student Scary Spice.
Spice, a notorious loser, described phone stealing as "a crime" and "definitely not allowed by AMS bylaws for sure."
Third-year science student Real Guy had a different perspective.
"Borrowing a student's phone to vote for yourself is so smart!" shouted Guy. "The phone is right there in their hands, and if a candidate finds it, I can legally vote for myself, I mean, themself."
"It's finder's keepers rules," Guy said.
VP administration candidate Snapback Jack, who looked suspiciously similar to Guy but with a distinctive and offensive hat, said he's not stealing phones but admires candidates who do.
"I wish I could, man. I wish I could. Obviously, it's finder's keepers rules and totally cool, but I wouldn't do that. Vote Snapback." Jack said.
"Kids these days are always on their phones, so if you think about it this is really helping students' mental health and wellbeing."
From the Cult is The Ubyssey’s unofficial AMS Election coverage. For official elections coverage, visit the news section and follow us @UbysseyNews on Twitter.