You’re a queen bitch. A girlboss. A motherfucking legend. And even though everyone seems to forget that you have feelings, you do have them — and sometimes what others (like your kind-of BFF, Becky) say can get to you. You’re only human, after all.
But, hey, princess! Lift your head, don’t let your crown fall! Here are some foolproof, scientifically-proven ways to take backhanded compliments like the queen bitch you are while also making Becky feel like shit! Kisses!
Pull the ol’ switcheroo
If that backstabbing bitch, Becky, said something rude to you, just pull a switcheroo. Yeah, she “admires your confidence to wear that outfit,” but you “would never know what it’s like to be insecure,” like she would.
What I’m saying is to pull a fast one. No one is allowed to fuck you over, except for that situationship in first year that you stayed friends with and now there’s a weird vibe between you guys because you’re still in love with him but he isn’t reciprocating because he just started to date Becky. Fuck Becky! He’s also a film studies major. You lucked out.
If you fuck others over for fucking you over, it’s basically like the fucking never happened to begin with. It cancels out. #WomenInSTEM.
Kill them with Kindness
If being a raging bitch and backstabbing Becky didn’t work, the next thing you should do is Kill Her with Kindness. She’s such an asshole. How dare she talk about your looks? Like in the Year of Our Lord 2022, she’s going to say that my eyebrows are shitty? They literally are not, don’t be fucking rude.
So, go to Becky’s house late at night, and beat her over and over with your hot pink baseball bat (named Kindness). Literally. Fucking kill her. Then call that weird cousin of yours, they’ll know what to do.
Go to jail
Little oopsie! Your cousin actually knows jack SHIT about getting rid of a body, so you ended up being sentenced to 25 years without possibility of parole. But, don’t fret! You look hot as fuck in orange.
And since you’re such a total girlboss queen bitch, you’ll be able to become a kingpin (or should I say queenpin) at your prison. Goodbye corporate America, hello cell block D!
But hey, at least you’ll never have to take a backhanded compliment ever again. You’ll be too scary. And ding, dong, that fucking witch bitch Becky is dead. Manifest your dreams! XOXO!
Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!