My entire life, I’ve been told that I ‘wouldn’t get it,’ because I’m ‘not an athlete.’ I am an athlete. Especially if you consider checking my grades on the SSC before it crashes as a sport — which I do.
I guess if you’re talking about athletics in the traditional sense of the word, I am the least athletic person, maybe even so unathletic that I can’t grasp the fuckability of campus athletes. Honestly my usual type is a lot less… sporty. Alas, in rebuttal to the many who have said I’m not an athlete, I’m proving I am by ranking others. That’s how that works, right? I'm authorized to create this list.
Ski and board
Hear me out. I know nothing about the ski team except for the fact that they throw great parties.
That’s worth the in. I’m pretty sure that 90 per cent of the club doesn’t ski, nor board — they’re just in it for the booze. I admire their ambition.
I, too, am just in this for the booze.
Equestrian team
I don’t even know if the UBC has an equestrian team but horse kids are usually pretty wealthy — I mean healthy.
Cycling
?
Forestry students who take arts electives
Moving their arts-curious asses from the forestry building to Buchanan is more running than I do in a year. To call them ‘athletic’ is an understatement.
Rowing
Rowers are hot and I’m not just saying that because my friends on the team are watching me write this. But after seeing their hand blisters and short tempers from lack of sleep, I’m hesitant about their dateability. And unitards are hot. So, you win some, you lose some.
People who stormed the wall
They’re a little showy. Right in the middle of campus, really? But, it’s dark and stormy and seems like a lot of work — just like me — so it gets a mention.
Hockey
It would be higher up if not for the stench that comes with the equipment. I also don’t understand hockey lingo.
I fucking hate hockey.
Cross country
Stamina. That fast-paced mentality doesn’t leave a lot of time for all the attention I need in a relationship, though.
Gymnastics
Flexibility.
Football
I can’t date a football player because they only date cheer captains and I’m on the bleachers. I’m prone to failure. It’s not my fault.
I’m sorry I can’t be her even though you belong with me.
Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!