Through an anonymous source (Gary), The Ubyssey obtained a redacted copy of a Board of Governors (BoG) survey which asked respondents whether they support a tuition increase. Every single one of them said yes.
By holding it up to the light like Nicholas Cage in National Treasure, we were able to read the names of the respondents.
Here are their stories.
[Cue Law & Order music]
Meredith Pennyworth
I sat down with Meredith Pennyworth in her drawing room (the room she uses for drawing) accompanied by her 39 Ashera cats.
"They're the most expensive cats in the world. Wait, that was off the record. Don't write that down," said Pennyworth.
She believes tuition has gotten too reasonable.
"It only costs as much as a bunch of bananas. That's like $600, right?" Pennyworth asked.
She held up a Meyer lemon and squirted its juice into her eye. Then she said to me — I shit you not — "I am a being out of time and space," and swiped the lemon juice out of her eye with her finger and put it in my mouth.
Anyways we fucked.
Marc Pennyworth
Marc Pennyworth (no relation) met me in his drawing room (the room he uses for drawing, but like plans and schemes).
"This used to be a ballroom, but because of low tuition prices, I had to downsize," said Pennyworth. He dropped artificial tears in his eyes to look like he was crying.
"Now I can only host one debutante ball, in my other ballroom," said Pennyworth.
A former student himself, tuition increases are dear to Pennyworth's heart.
"They gave me an honorary degree, and now they want to take away my ballroom. Do you see this?" Pennyworth said, pointing at his face. "I'm crying, like actually crying."
Pennyworth shoved a whole hunk of cheese into his mouth.
"This is pule. You probably don't know it. It costs $600 per pound," said Pennyworth between sobs.
We fucked.
Maleficent Pennyworth
She is related to both Meredith and Marc (but they are not related to each other).
I forgot to record this interview, but you can trust that we fucked.
Unnamed UBC student
The one UBC student surveyed asked to remain anonymous while a BoG representative held them at gunpoint and told them to ask.
"I, uhh, love tuition," the student spluttered. The BoG rep, a really cool guy named John, prodded him in the head with his gun.
"Yeah, bitch," said John.
"I love tuition, and, uhh, this is an investment in my future," the student said, looking at John.
The BoG is set to approve tuition increases on December 5, following a recommendation from the BoG Finance Committee.