Girlbossmopolitan: Rebranding fraternities as polycules could save student democracy, and we’re so here for it

The manly fistbumps and lingering eye contact between gorgeous hunks in Greek Village are something that can only be described as erotic. But is there more than meets the eye? Well, the woke baes at Epsilon Kappa Sigma Peppa Pig (EKSPP) just said the quiet part out loud: University of Bitchin’ Clock’s favourite frat has officially come out as a polycule.

If you’re still struggling to wrap your head around nonmonogamy (me too, bestie), ‘polycule’ is a fun and flirty term for a polyamorous relationship. These frat dudes are all dating each other and anybody else they feel like bringing into the mix. Speak for yourself, but we here at Girlbossmopolitan think that’s pretty poly-cool.

“That’s right, my frat brothers are now my frat lovers. But not in an incest way,” said EKSPP member Jeremy “Juicy Jay” Feliciano. That’s right folks, get with the times: there’s nothing wrong with 12 non-biologically-related dudes, living in a house together, in a loving, sexual, open, sexual, romantic and sexual relationship!

EKSPP used to depend on sororities and lost first years to get their ratios right so nobody left Toga Night without getting matched up — fiddler-on-the-roof-style. Now that the brothers are all together, their ratio is always 100 per cent.

But Feliciano and his fellow brothers want to take their relationship from the bedroom to the boardroom. EKSPP is proudly running for Almonds Matter Society (AMS) executives as a polyamorous slate! That’s a ballot to bust one about.

Some student groups are complaining that EKSPP’s politi-cule is “slate-like behaviour.” Many losers still hold the old-fashioned attitude that relationships should be between a man and a woman. Meanwhile, EKSPP has a more progressive belief — that student government should be between 12 guys (and whoever else) that are in love.

An anonymous hater’s petition is going around to reduce Greek life’s influence on student politics because they “don’t represent the average student.”

An anonymous EKSPP member responded, “Yeah, that’s because we’re hotter. And more polyamorous. If anything, that makes us more qualified.”

All the brothers want to make it clear as vodka that EKSPP is no longer a frat. They’re a polycule, which is much more relatable and accessible (if you’re hot, emotionally available and able to pay a small membership fee).

“When I heard that we’d been getting some hate for running as a slate, I felt a weird sad feeling in my chest,” said fifth-year pong sciences student and frat — sorry, polycule — brother, Brad Kessler. “Then, a tickle behind my eyes. They hate us, just because we’re poly? For no other reasons? It dawned on me: this is what discrimination feels like.”

Girlbossmopolitan interviewed a couple of the poly-cuties to learn about their lifestyle and AMS campaign.

Other brothers running for the AMS include third-year mixology student Chadwick Chung for VP Instagran infographics, second-year honours piece-of-shit sciences student Josh Jægermeister for VP joshing around and fourth-year cobbling student Harry “Pull My Finger” Linger for VP besties with Santa.

Kessler is running for VP hang-outs and shindigs. He speaks as eloquently and enthusiastically about polyamory as he does about student politics, flicking his blonde hair out of his eyes with a vote-winning smile.

“Before we ‘culed up, I used to get into beef with my frat brothers about girls,” said Kessler in an interview with Girlbossmopolitan. “Like, is it okay for me to hook up with a chick if my brother used to hook up with her best friend who’s in a rival sorority where the sisters are only allowed to hook up with guys between 5’11” and 6’2” international relations majors and Hymen Hater University TAs but only on the third Friday of the month?”

“I realized that my brothers and I were using disagreements about the minutiae of the bro code as a proxy for deeper issues,” Kessler confessed.

First-year lifeguard studies student and VP giving candy to students in hallways hopeful, Frank Noodle, believes that his polycule experience and fratpricorn sun sign makes him the best guy for the job.

Noodle believes that since the polycule was made official, the vibes have changed for the better.

“I mean, there’s still conflict, like when I feel like Brad, my primary partner, is spending too much time with Chad and not enough with me,” said Noodle. “But then we just sit in a circle with some BBQ chips and, ya know, process for 12 hours. Then, once we have that out of our systems, we like to let off some steam by watching a game of hockey together and making out. We’re just regular guys. That’s just the kind of deliberative democracy and plain good vibes I want to bring to student politics.”

“Man, I just love my boys so much,” said Noodle.

Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!