Are you, like the rest of us, tired of being rubbed like a turntable at The ArmPit? Are you, like the rest of us, also tired of showing 22-year-old finance students where the clitoris is? Like seriously, WTF?!
Let’s face the facts; you lose a little bit of light each time someone asks you, ‘Are you close?’ after just 35 seconds of foreplay. TBH, it would be hard not to.
Now here’s the secret EVERYBODY wants to know: how do you fake the purrrrfect orgasm? Is there such a thing as the perfect orgasm? Can ordinary people like us achieve it, or is it something only goddesses like Aphrodite experienced?
To find out, read on for our hottest tips that’ll blow your mind.
1. I wanna scream, and shout and let it all out!
Nothing screams ‘I’m coming!’ like those pitch perfect moans that one only hears on the male-gazey paradise that is HornPub. So scream, shout and, well, let it all out.
2. All I wanna do is arch my body
You know the one language everybody speaks? Body language, baby! It’s time to show ‘em who’s boss by bending it like [redacted soccer player] and making him feel like he’s scoring the goal (when really, he’s barely even grazed the post). Maybe he should take a lesson or two about scoring from the men’s soccer team.
3. It’s just me, myself and high
There’s like, literally no better way to feel like you’re on Cloud 9 than by investing in some ethically-sourced hemp-based products to get you in the groove. BTW, totally on the DL, but you need to try cannabis-based lube. It’s like magic.
Anyhoot, once you and your partner-in-slime are floating high, there’s no way he’s gonna know that orgasm ain’t real, bestie!
4. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Enter the main character: your vibrator! Now, we know that as much as you may try to instruct your partner in bed, they’re just totally incompetent. If you’re smart about placement, your S.O. will never know that they weren’t the one to make you climax.
5. I got my pee-ches out in Georgia
As girlbosses, we come with an evolutionary advantage: we have smaller bladders! Which means it shouldn’t be hard to fake it if you really were in a tight spot, ya know what I mean?
Of course, not all heroes wear capes but all baddies always have towels! Snatch some to-die-for ones from Girlbossmopolitan’s online store or maybe even from the bookstore! Go T-Birds!
6. I’m in your waterfall
Rumour has it, the fountain on campus has some of the best quality water in beautiful BC. Apparently the seagulls do wonders for mineralizing the water. So maybe it’s time to add the fountain to your floodgate?
Our super tip for this one is to sneak a little pouch full of the fountain’s divine drops and accidentally-on-purpose ‘spill’ it right when you’re ‘orgasming.’ Haven’t you heard? When it rains, baby, it pours!
6.9. I (don’t) want it that way
Okay real talk, hot stuff. Maybe it’s time to reconsider your partner in all this. If you’re finding yourself reading this super relevant and important sociological investigation into the orgasm gap, is he even worth it?
Our thoughts? True girlbosses don’t need to fake orgasms. They can give themselves one! `
Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!