“Dear Natalie,
I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety order and depression. I confided in my significant other because I often have anxiety attacks and he's become my anchor. I haven't told anybody else because I don't want other people to treat me differently. However, I learned he told one of our mutual friends to vent and ask for advice because it's apparently become a strain on him to always be my emotional pillar. I don't know what to do or whether I can confront him about it because he didn't tell me. I understand his good intentions, but I feel so betrayed.”
I understand how hard this must be for you. You had a personal and private conversation with your significant other and you not only expected privacy, but also asked for it. He did betray the trust that you placed in him. I also understand why you wanted to keep your diagnosis private.
However, I also understand how hard it is to be in a relationship where you feel like you have to act as an emotional pillar without one of your own. I’m not saying what he did was okay — because it wasn’t — but in my experience, when you have that much emotional strain in your life, you’re going to bend at some point and it’s just unfortunate that he bent the way he did.
What he should have done was talk to you, say that he needed his own emotional support and ask you if it was okay to talk to his friend. It’s hard to be someone’s significant other and their support system. Just like how you need an emotional pillar outside therapy — which I’m assuming you are in. If you are not, please consider going — so does he.
As for what to do now, you have to talk to him about this. This is not negotiable. I know it may be awkward and you don’t think you can do it, but you have to. You must be okay with talking to your partner about issues you have. Communication is the single greatest part of a successful relationship. Tell him you know he that talked to his friend and how that made you feel. Tell him you understand his intentions, but that you did ask him not to tell anyone about it. Try to make it sound as unaccusatory as possible if you can. You want to open a dialogue — not a witch hunt.
You also have to come to terms with the fact that this breach of trust did happen and decide if you’re okay continuing in a relationship with him. I’m not telling you to break up over this, but I'm telling you to find out what your hard lines are. At what point is too much for you? If this was a hard line that was crossed, do not feel bad about leaving the relationship. A bad relationship with no trust or communication is worse than being single.
Finally, try to not be afraid of expanding our support group. Even if you don’t feel comfortable telling anyone about your mental well-being right now, you can always talk to your friends without mentioning it explicitly. Everyone — even those people with “perfect” mental health — go through highs and lows, and friends should be there to help you anyway.
Best of luck.
Need advice? Contact Natalie anonymously at asknatalie@ubyssey.ca and have your questions answered in an upcoming issue.