Move over Malibu Barbie, The Ubyssey is proud to introduce the newest addition to the Mattel family — UBC Barbie!
Just in time for UBC’s latest breakfast-coded president, this plastic embodiment of UBC student life is available for the low tuition price of $7,000 (if you’re a domestic student).
You might be asking, "what does UBC Barbie look like?" Well, her feet have never seen a pair of strappy pink stilettos — too impractical for the never-ending walking at UBC. How else would she get from Buchanan to Wesbrook Village in 10 minutes? Instead, she sports Costco sneakers that double as miniature rain boots with the optional plastic bag accessory (only available in salmon*) to combat the city's insta-worthy rainfall. She always keeps her pink umbrella in her hand-me-down pink Jansport backpack and wears her miniature Canada Goose jacket (pink) to keep her warm in the wet chill of the Pacific Northwest. Perfectly coiffed hair? Nah, she sports a perpetually messy bun. #ExistentialCrisis! ?
UBC Barbie's Dreamhouse™ is a real-life dream! But when she wakes up, she’s in a literal (because she's a doll... get it?) shoe box of an apartment with six roommates all the way in Surrey. Barbie dreams about one day owning a giant mansion with a walk-in closet, but the only “walk-in” she does is a sideways shuffle into her “den” — which still costs $1,200 a month.
UBC Barbie’s beloved pink corvette has been traded in for a Compass Card. She's even started a petition to get TransLink to make the blue cards pink! While Malibu Barbie drives down the Pacific Coast Highway, UBC Barbie runs for the R4 just to watch it drive by. She makes the most of her commute, manifesting how she can live on campus next year.
After that long commute, UBC Barbie is hungry! Malibu Barbie might love her acai bowls and kale smoothies, but UBC Barbie scoffs at the idea — she needs more substance to fuel her academic escapades. She’d much prefer a Triple O’s cheeseburger and milkshake to drown her pain in (as long as she gets her Triple “O” Tuesday discount ?).
So what’s UBC Barbie studying? A better question would be, what isn’t she studying.
One term, she's a philosophy major, pondering the existential question, if a Barbie falls in a deserted Dreamhouse™ and no one’s around, does she still have to pay her student loans? Next term, she's delving into computer science, trying to code an AI Ken who can finally pick up his tiny clothes off the floor and owns a car.
Thinking she hasn't challenged herself enough, UBC Barbie decides to major in Chemistry, hoping to concoct her own line of cosmetics. Why pay a fortune for lipstick and blush when you can make it in the lab? Fast forward to next year, and she's studying Forestry. UBC Barbie’s in her tree-hugging era, promising to save the world one miniature plastic tree at a time.
UBC Barbie can’t choose, and why should she? Barbie can do anything. And by “anything,” UBC Barbie means studying everything, even if it takes her longer than the line at Tim Hortons.
While you won't be able to afford a UBC Barbie because the cost of living crisis has made budgeting impossible, remember no matter where you are or what you’re doing, you’ll always be a barbie girl in a UBC world.
*Pink Barbie Plastic Bag™ coming soon.