Friends, Romans, countrymen — lend me your ears while I inform you of a grave construction project intended to be used against us, the higher classes of this institution. In another attempt by the authoritarian ‘planners’ to take what little space we, the landed gentry, have, another state-sponsored division has been proposed.
Heralded by a looming, lilywhite billboard proclaiming this ‘Community Notice,’ the silver-tongued devil, President — or shall I say ‘Comrade’ — Satan Ohno has decreed another residence is to be opened, called ‘Texchange.’
It feels like just last week that we sat in the Snobert Grateman Smoking Room and discussed the utter lack of campus croquet fields and office space for the Blue-collar Billionaire Campus Club. Not once did one of our affluent fellows remove the cigar from his mouth and advocate for more dormitories! And, to spit in our eye, the Administration mocks our proposal for a Main Mall Stock Exchange by dubbing the Frankensteined eyesore-bus-station hybrid the word which consumes our fervent dreams!
Tickets to watch the residence go up are however much you will pay in rent once you’re forced to live within its walls.