Notorious food guy and TV personality Gordon Ramsay came to UBC for a surprise inspection (taste test) of on-campus restaurants. Nosh Hunt columnists were too busy to meet with the MasterChef guy, so we at the humour section sat down with Ramsay instead.
Read the full transcription of our 300-minute conversation with Mr. Hotel Hell below.
The transcript has not been edited for length and clarity
The Ubyssey: What brought you to our campus?
Gordon Ramsay (G-Ram): I heard your cries from across the pond! Figured your food scene could do with a healthy dose of reality and, bloody hell, it’s worse than I imagined!
The Ubyssey: You gave McDonald's a nod of approval. Can you elaborate on that decision?
G-Ram: That's because, in this culinary wasteland, McDonald's is the bloody oasis! I gave it a Michelin Star! At least their fries have some semblance of crispiness, unlike that thing you lot call “pizza” at Pizza Garden. I’ve seen better crust in a Play-Doh set!
The Ubyssey: What are you talking about? You aren't even a Michelin inspector.
G-Ram: It’s a metaphorical star, darling. A beacon of edible hope in a sea of … what’s the opposite of culinary delight? Culinary disgust? UBC’s offerings make airplane food seem like a fucking gourmet feast!
The Ubyssey: Some may argue that university is not a place for gourmet dining but more about quick, cheap meals for broke students. What are your thoughts on that, Chef Ramsay?
G-Ram: Quick and cheap doesn’t have to mean a bloody assault on your tastebuds, does it? A sandwich can be simple, yet scrumptious. And please, don’t get me started on your sandwiches. The bread's drier than the bloody Sahara Desert! Students could choke! Dead students don’t equal more tuition. Bollocks!
The Ubyssey: Did you try Mercante?
G-Ram: Ah, you’re trying to upset my stomach again, aren’t you? You twat. I wandered into Mercante, hoping for a bit of Italian comfort, and I was met with a slap in the face to Italy. The pizza! My gran could do better! And she’s dead! And British!
The Ubyssey: Wow ok. What about Downlow Chicken?
G-Ram: Downlow Chicken? It was so undercooked, I expected it to cluck! They took “down low” a bit too literally with the cooking temperature, didn’t they?
The Ubyssey: Jamjar?
G-Ram: Jamjar? I’d rather jam my foot in a jar! It was like getting on a flight to a land of mediocre hummus with no return ticket! A far cry from the rich, authentic Lebanese flavours one might expect. I wouldn’t feed that falafel to my worst enemy!
The Ubyssey: Ok dude. What about Tim Hortons?
G-Ram: Tim who? Is that a mechanic’s shop? Oh, it’s a cafe? Could’ve fooled me! I ordered a coffee and it was as if they misheard me and served petrol instead. And the donuts! Even the dirty dish water in Hell’s Kitchen has more flavour!
The Ubyssey: Seems like you've got a lot of opinions for a glorified food processor. What would you suggest UBC do?
G-Ram: Shut the whole bloody place down.
The Ubyssey: Anything else you want to add, Mr. Kitchen Nightmares?
G-Ram: For a place of higher education, your food IQ is dreadful! Respecting ingredients isn’t about just giving them a nice place to decay on the plate! It’s about creating a narrative of flavours, not a bland short story. Create a menu that doesn’t make our appetites plummet. Or your next culinary adventure might take you to the hospital where even a spoonful of cough syrup will be more delicious than this gastronomic horror.