Growing up, JJ Moniker never thought he’d become a star.
And to this day, he still isn’t.
The Maple Ridge-born rapper and percussionist has started a new art installation called “Down2Clown” which features him after doing one pot (the weed kind), slapping a wooden spoon on one pot (the cooking kind) and moving a plant between two pots (the cottagecore kind).
He’s bringing a “cringe and badpilled vibe” to the already cringe and badpilled vibe of LoudCloud rap.
“I don’t actually have a venue for it yet, bro,” said Moniker while in my basement for the interview. “Yo, what if I did it here in your basement? Where’s your landlord?”
The one-man concert — think Fleabag meets Diplo — is being held in my basement on April 20, pending landlord approval.
There will be no refreshments because it’ll be in my basement.
Like all the greats — Bach, Schmidt and Jenko from 21 Jump Street and Bach — he got a degree. Moniker graduated from UBC in 2019 and credits his affinity for being underground to “the basement of Hoerner Library and your mom’s house.”
“I was also in a pretty underground major, I don’t think you’ve ever heard of it before,” said Moniker. “I was a philosophy and tropical curling student.”
According to a UBC enrolment report, tropical curling is the most popular undergraduate major, followed by philosophy.
“Philosophy just opens your mind,” said Moniker, mouth full of arugula, balsamic glaze, provolone and salami on focaccia — what he described as a “really good sandwich.” He put it in my air fryer and it got really bubbly and really good. And I had some pesto so we put some of that on it and he shared it with me. I didn’t eat breakfast before seeing him, so it was really good.
“I love sandwiches,” Moniker said. This love of sandwiches and philosophy is evident in every aspect of his life, from what he eats to what he studies.
“Yeah,” said Moniker in between bites of cheese. “I’ve recently found out I’m lactose intolerant, which really sucks. So I’ve really been looking inward to see how I can change up my sandwiches and songs to match this change in my life. It’s like when Foucault said—”
Moniker felt stuffy in my sweet basement suite, so he left and sent me a DM with his addy. I walked over to his not-so-sweet basement suite under his mom’s house. I also needed a break from him because god, he’s so annoying, so a walk was great.
His bedroom is Cole Sprouse-inspired, something Moniker described as “fucking grade-A geezer-core because Sprouse is thirty. Get it?”
Moniker’s walls were empty, but his room was lined with framed movie posters leaning against the walls. His bed was unmade, his mattress was on the floor collecting mold because you need a boxspring or bed frame or something to let that fucker breathe and he had the Thotify “Hans Zimmer Radio” playing in the background.
The air in his room was thick with cigarette smoke flowing out of the fog machine his father got him for Christmas (2009). His room looked like any other 20-something’s room except it was worse because he was in it.
“I kind of just blow the smoke into the machine to save for later, kinda like fucked-up CPR,” said Moniker. “Yeah, I have pretty good technique if you know what I mean. Like I’m really good at making people feel good … like I save their lives because I know how to do a little smooch. You know, like a life-saving smooch.”
Moniker’s mother is a nurse. His music also sucks.
According to Nikki Urse, Moniker’s “mommy,” besides being “an artist or whatever,” he’s been a CPR-fiend for quite some time. “He was a lifeguard, so he had to get really good at it,” said N. Urse, who is a nurse.
This aspect of his life will be front and centre at “Down2Clown,” where he’ll be singing “Smoocharonie,” a song he wrote about these experiences.
“Smoocharonie” outlines Moniker’s love for kissing: “Life-saving smooch / Call me Prince Charming / I be saving lives / Yeah, yeah, uh, uh, yeah, swag / I drink the ‘buch / Call me Kombuch-ster / I am not a mooch / I do my own laundry unlike my brother / He gets our mother to do it / He’s nine.”
And as I was leaving, Moniker held onto my leg like a child sad their parents are leaving for the night.
“No, you can’t leave. You need to take me upstairs,” said Moniker. “I’ve never seen the stars before. I’m underground!”
Moniker won’t ever be among those stars because his music sucks.
Tickets for “Down2Clown” are on sale now at lifesavingkombuchasmooch.gov.co.uk.
This is part of The Ubyssey's 2023 spoof issue, explain!. To read more, click here.