Communication is an essential part of any kink dynamic. Healthy domination and submission dynamics rely heavily on trust and openness which allow partners to feel comfortable exploring sensations during a scene and to discover each other intimately.
Communication can be exhilarating when discussing aftercare, preferences, needs and other fun things. But it can also be intimidating. I feel vulnerable when expressing my feelings; it’s something I struggle with. Sometimes, I would rather not say out loud the things I’m feeling, even though I know how important it is to communicate. Instead, I share my non-verbal signs with my partners, regardless of how long I expect our dynamic to last.
The willingness to know and to understand another person’s needs, even when you have just met, is one of the reasons why kink is special. To trust like that is a form of intimacy.
Once, halfway through a scene, my partner and I decided to take a break. This was someone with whom I was having a very casual relationship and I started overthinking the situation. I felt insecure about myself and what he might think of me overthinking. I faced away from him while we were cuddling and tried to put a blanket between us to avoid physical contact. He immediately noticed and hugged me, like I had asked him to do. He kissed my face, reassuring me that everything was great and I was amazing. We held each other as we talked about everyday life and other nonsense. And then I was okay.
This kind of support made me feel special, seen and cared for. I felt intimately connected to him and comfortable opening up because he genuinely seemed to want to understand what I was going through. I let my guard down and allowed myself to enjoy all our scenes had to offer.
While my experiences in scenes and aftercare vary with different people, having those initial conversations creates a safe environment that truly allows me to enjoy my time with them and our connection, regardless of how short. Having those discussions allows me to feel close to them without crossing our emotional boundaries. It facilitates the formation of a unique intimate bond despite just meeting and knowing it will end soon. I feel safe because I know my partner will be there for me if I have a negative reaction minutes or days after a scene. I know they will give me longer aftercare than usual if I need it, even if I don’t ask for it out loud.
Kink has not only helped me become intimate with others, but also with myself. Through artistic rope bondage, I have grown more intimate and more in love with myself. Contrary to its portrayal in mainstream culture, bondage is not something to jump into when starting to explore kink. It is a high-risk activity regardless of how cautious you are. When I first started educating myself on rope bondage safety it was out of a sense of duty, but as time went on, I started seeing it as learning to protect my body and my mind. I continue to learn out of love for myself, not just safety. When I tie myself, I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror to ensure the ties are done properly. Watching myself tie gives me the opportunity to spend time admiring myself and my artwork. When I self-tie, I feel warm. I feel tingles all over my body knowing that someone as special as me cares for me and puts effort into ensuring my safety. When I look in the mirror, I can’t help but smile at myself, my talent and my love for my body. When I self-tie, I have my own inside jokes, and when I laugh, I don’t only feel my happiness, but I see it.
Exploring kink has introduced me to new forms of intimacy. It has taught me the importance of communicating my emotions and needs to establish trust, both with a partner and myself. These talks foster intimacy and are rewarding. They allow me to free my emotions and feel connected to what is happening without fear. Intimacy doesn’t have to take years to build, but even in short-term relationships it is essential. ❦
This article is part of Intimacy, The Ubyssey’s 2022 sex issue. You can read more here.