It’s January 8. You’re going to the ARC for the first time because your new year’s resolution was to actually bulk instead of just saying ‘it’s bulking season’ every time you eat.
Unfortunately, everyone else seems to have had the same idea, and the only gains you got from the hour-long line were an exercise in patience. How do you show that you’re not like the other new year newbies while simultaneously outclassing the 6 a.m. rise and grind crowd?
You need to show that you’re more resolute about your new year’s resolutions than any other new year’s resolver. Unlike their new athletic habits, yours are actually going to stick — even if you have to exercise these strategic intimidation techniques to weed out the weak, so you can actually get a spot on the squat rack.
Bring a water cooler
While all the normies use the water fountains to fill their one-litre Stanley cups, you need to saunter in with a full two-gallon water cooler. Don’t bother with the cup-filling thing at the bottom, just lift it over your head and drink out of the spout — a dixie cup would crumple in your huge, powerful hands. If you spill on your head by accident, it’ll just look like you’re literally dripping with sweat from your intense boundary-pushing workout.
This shows, a.) that your commitment to hydration knows no bounds, and b.) that you can hold a two-gallon jug of water over your head. Impressive gains, bro!
Do lines of creatine off the pull-up bar
Don’t subtly drink your creatine before your workout from your Hydroflask — you need to show up to flex, and we’re not just talking about your biceps.
Stay so stocked up on the ‘tine that you leave a little trail of powder behind you wherever you go, like an artificially-jacked snail with a six-pack.
Why stop there? Grunt loudly to get the attention of the room, then cut yourself a line with your student card and — sniff! — engage those sinus muscles.
Leave menacing notes on the machines
You should be wiping off exercise equipment after you use it, but that doesn’t mean you won’t leave a mark. Once you’re done using the treadmill, leave a little note that says ‘[YOUR NAME] WUZ HERE,’ to let everyone know how committed you are.
Alternative notes include ‘I’M WATCHING YOU’ on the benches (spotting each other is important)! Or discourage others from using your favourite bench press machine through tactical gaslighting, or gas-lifting: “BROKEN: DO NOT USE :(” or even “HAUNTED!! STAY AWAY.”
Bike your bike
Soul Cycle addicts may tell you that spinning changed their life, but how does a bike even work if it’s not moving? Show that you understand mechanical engineering (or kinesiology? It doesn’t matter — you’re in IR) better by bringing in a real bike to train on.
There’s just enough space in between the treadmills for you to bike laps around the room, but make sure you have a little bell to tell people to get out of your way.
We hope these tips help you on your gains journey — we’d give you more suggestions, but the two of us are hard at work trying to find a ghost to start haunting the rowing machines.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.