Storm the Wall has come and gone. Over the past few days, teams of five and solo iron people (Marvel is being so inclusive these days) competed in a pentathlon of swimming, running, biking and (wall) climbing.
Storm the Wall organizers will tell you that there are “rules” that you must abide by, but you know what else likes to make people follow rules? The cisheteropatriarchy. We’re here to help you queer your wall-storming experience.
Now, “queering” is not just about your gender identity or sexual orientation. If we’ve learned anything from our GRSJ electives, it’s that “queering” means basically whatever you want it to.
Late for class? You’re just queering your schedule. Having tummy troubles? Your body is just queering your digestive tract. The list goes on.
With this in mind, here’s how to queer Storm the Wall next year. It's important to always stay prepped.
The Aquatic Centre usually plays a mix of mid (in both senses of the word) 2000’s soft pop country and, like, Katy Perry. Queering Storm the Wall is all about having fun while rocking the boat, so when you walk into the Aquatic Centre, ask the lifeguards if you can pleaaaasseee aux.
To achieve maximum speed, you need nothing less than that one awful hyperpop playlist you and your friends made when you had the zoomies one night. Embrace your inner menace as the speakers blast 100 gecs, Kim Petras, Azealia Banks, among others.
Stay in your lane? Nah. Your non-binary slay is too powerful to be contained by the rigid boundaries of the two-lane pool. Zigzag! Flip! Reclaim your childlike whimsy — play dolphins!
After your swim comes the locker room. Although your teammates might put pressure on you to get dressed quickly to get to the wall — take your time, diva! Shampoo, exfoliate, deep condition, cry on the floor of the shower stall… the first step to queering the Aquatic Centre is to be yourself.
Sure, sprinting will help your team come in first. But, it’s about the journey, not the destination — challenge that race mindset we inhabit within the structures of capitalism.
Instead, consider skipping your way from the Aquatic Centre to the Martha Piper Fountain (a.k.a. the ‘commons’). Or, for an even more normative-busting option, duck walk your way to victory.
There is also the ‘fit. Wear a suit to channel your inner Sauder student running late for their COMM 365 presentation (Using Grindr as a Networking Model) or tie up that fresh pair of Doc Martens you just bought — no better way to break them in than hitting the ground walking.
A regular bike with two wheels is perhaps the definition of “binary.” Switch it up with a bold unicycle to signal your independent one-of-a-kind vision, or a tricycle to put a new spin (get it? Cuz wheels?) on “looking for a third.”
Storming the wall
You and your teammates have made it to the end. All that stands before you and a complimentary snack of water is a 12-foot wall.
When you approach the wall, make sure you’re mounting your teammates from the back (just like in the tutorial from the clinic). Then, once you and your teammates on the top of the wall have a wrist-to-wrist grip, start using your feet to walk up the wall — relying solely on upper-arm strength is not very intersectional.
In no time, you’ll be at the top of the wall in the most radical and liberatory way possible. You might be last in your heat, but you’re first in our hearts.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to email@example.com.