It’s ten minutes before your next class and you’ve just eaten some questionable poutine from Triple O’s when you feel it.
The rumbling in your tummy, the gurgling of your bowels, the urge to take the biggest shit of your life consumes you and you don’t know where to go. Fear not my friend, for here are the nine best reasons why you should take your life-altering dookies at IKB.
The stress-filled air of hundreds of students cramming for their next exam, the silent crying of the person in the stall next to you, the palpable tension of trying to find an outlet to charge your phone and the buzzing lights reminiscent of the rug shop on Dunbar and 16th that’s definitely not a front. What more could you ask for?
Studies show sleeping with a textbook under your pillow lets the knowledge seep into your brain overnight.
Similarly, leading experts in the field of pooping science suggest knowledge can easily inhabit the space in your body left by the expulsion of solid waste. So, think of shitting at IKB like that type of vibe, just poop instead of sleep. By pooping at IKB, you will gain a few more brain cells from fellow students by dropping the kids off at the pool.
3. Working under pressure
If you’re like the rest of us here at The Ubyssey, you work well under pressure.
What’s more stress-inducing than taking the biggest shit of your life surrounded by a dozen other people trying to use the stall after you? It’s like Master Chef with Gordon Ramsey — there’s one minute left on the clock (you’ve already been in the stall too long), your potatoes are still in the oven (you’ve really gotta go) and Dave at the station next to you finished his Miso-Glazed Chilean Sea Bass five minutes ago (Dave only had to piss, so now you look stupid!).
In layman’s terms: pressure plus high stakes, multiplied by an incoming number two, equals an all around super great shitting experience.
4. I said so
You may not know me, but let me assure you, I have taken dozens of shits , if not hundreds.
And I’ve pooped at every building on campus (don’t ask me how, there were some dark times).
So, as someone who considers themselves a connoisseur of washrooms, let me assure you IKB hits different. I love shitting there so much that I renamed all my poop-related social media accounts to @IKnow(bowel)Movements, just so I could also be called IKB.
5. Asserting dominance
Taking a dump in a public washroom is no easy task, in fact it’s one that many people actively avoid. However, if you really want to feel like the baddest bitch on the metaphorical playground that is our university campus, dropping a deuce in a stall with cracks so wide you can make eye contact with the person in front of you is the way to go.
7. All the cool kids are doing it
I know, I know, “If all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you?”. The answer is yes, I am incredibly susceptible to peer pressure, and I’m hoping you are too.
I heard from an anonymous source that while filming on campus for that Netflix movie that no one watched, Ryan Reynolds himself unleashed the kraken in the third floor washroom (second stall to the left for any of you freaks who want to know specifics).
It’s like an unofficial version of that bathroom at Glitch, except instead of pictures on the walls, it’s the remnants of a truly epic shit.
9. Why are you still reading this, you weirdo?
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to email@example.com.