The Dingbat: A day in the life of a campus raccoon

What does a day in the life of a campus raccoon look like? Which buildings/residences have the juiciest trash? What is it like competing with the coyote packs? Are raccoons as cute as they look?

Just like thousands of other UBC students, my day starts at night. Like all of you, I grind a lot too, especially to find food. They call me a trash panda… I guess my cuteness cannot be ignored, but for some reason, they run from me when they see me. I assume it’s because of what happened to my cousin Rocco when he got a little too lost in the sauce. (He has rabies.)

After waking up, I hustle to get food. Depending on my mood that day, I usually go to the dumpsters in Walter Gage where there are tons of sweets that the students got for free from the convenience store…but I hear they’re thinking of closing it? I sure hope not!

But, some days I prefer a bit of exercise, which is when I visit Place Vanier or Totem Park to chase students around. Tons of generous people even leave out their food for me. I learnt that packages labeled “UberEats” are for me to rummage through — but only if those pesky squirrels don’t reach it before I do. My least favourite residence is Exchange because the UberEats packages are never left outside for me! So, so unfair.

Once my appetite is satisfied, I embark on my daily quests across campus, and I’ve gotta admit I love living on UBC campus! Last Wednesday, I met what seemed like hundreds of you waiting in line to get into The Pit. And here I thought all of you must be so busy since midterms are coming up! It is also fascinating to see you all turn into paparazzi whenever you see me with your cameras out. I heard that there are pages dedicated to me on Instagram (@ubc.raccoons I see you snapping me whenever you get a chance) and I feel pretty damn special.

On one of my daily quests, I went down to a forest where I met a group of people who thought I was their friend, Toby. They were having a whole conversation with me but alas I could not respond. They did mention loving their trips to the Magic Forest to make new friends. I frequent the forest but never saw them again. I just hope they didn’t run into cousin Rocco…

These quests are not always pleasant. The love UBC students have for me is rivaled only by the love for one other creature, and he has a name. My biggest enemy with only three legs, Kip the Coyote.

Last night, I had the misfortune of running into Kip. As we were walking across Main Mall hurling insults at each other (mine were obviously better), a group of girls took pictures of Kip. OF KIP AND NOT OF ME?! I guess I’ll have to go on a rampage against UberEats meals for this betrayal.

I might even go Rocco on ‘em.

The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to