Everyone knows UBC is broke — not in the actual sense of being broke, but in the way your rich friend says they’re, like, soooo broke because they could only afford a four-and-a-half star resort for their reading week Mexico trip, whilst you’re planning to spend your break battling the spider infestation your landlord has let fester inside of your couch cushions for months.
I am sure you are beside yourself with worry at this breaking news, but rest assured — all will be well. Just like your IG baddie bestie, UBC will live to throw back unlimited spicy margs another day. In a recent announcement, UBC came up with what experts are calling a “super lit” solution to all their financial woes.
Their plan, which will be implemented in late summer 2025 (though if it’s anything like the new Rec North’s timeline, that’s mega bullshit), involves a campus-wide redesign of lecture hall door mechanics. Partnering with tech giants like The Evil Guys Who Invented 18 Per Cent Minimum Tip on Take-Out, UBC will require students to select a tip option before exiting every lecture hall, classroom and academic flex space.
Much like the old-fashioned parking garages of yore, where the little yellow rod thing keeps you from driving away until you pay the ticket thing, or the more familiar skytrain entry/exit gate system, virtually all doorways, entryways and other access points to academic spaces will be equipped with comparable technology.
In a statement to The Ubyssey, Khash Grabbe, a retired money launderer who now serves as the UBC Facilities Planning Department’s budgetary advisor, said, “Look. We need money. The kids have money. I mean, obviously they do. They can afford luxurious expenses like tuition and sensible footwear. One thing about me? I go where the money goes. I know it. I can smell it. They call me Khash ‘Knowswherethemoneyis’ Grabbe for a reason.”
When asked about the inspiration behind this new development, Grabbe made several references to something called the “UBC Reddit forum” which I personally have never heard of.
Grabbe additionally spoke to a number of his proposal’s important features. Students will be able to use debit, credit or any currency loaded onto their UBC card, including PayForPrint money and flex dollars, in order to tip their profs. Tipping options will be based on class size, in reverse of what would be typical in a restaurant setting. Students will be expected to tip an automatic gratuity for classes smaller than 40 students, and the percentage will increase proportionately as that number decreases. "That way, we’re discouraging students from seeking genuine connections and relationships with both one another and their professors by guaranteeing a student-body-wide preference for larger class size," said Grabbe. Unburdened by “friendships,” “trivial socialization” or an “emotional support network” students and faculty alike will have more time to do what’s important in this world: work!
When asked for their thoughts on this new system, fourth-year pogo-sticking student Tom Foolery said, “It’s no big deal. I usually hop out the window anyway.”
Grip P. Strength, a fifth-year dirt-eating major and president of UBC’s Jumping and Climbing Enthusiast Club, entered The Ubyssey’s office through its second floor window to provide his opinion on the matter.
“This new policy sounds like a great opportunity to teach more people about free climbing and the pure ecstasy that is a commitment to the unconventional movement lifestyle. I project this will be my club’s most lucrative recruitment year yet. The people yearn to scale Buchanan Tower. They crave fee avoidance and evasion.”
The funding collected via this initiative is expected to be distributed amongst professors, TAs and whoever Grabbe “is vibing with” that week. This arbitrary monetary distribution system is set to replace regular pay by 2026. Overall, this groundbreaking initiative is being hailed as a big win for the anti-financial security crowd.
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