Ha-roscope: March movies

Hey, ballers. It’s me again with more awesome, fact-based science regarding those little gas orbs in the air. This time I used a spinner wheel with 12 movies I’ve seen in the last 6 months. Then, I decided the spinner wheel was stupid and wrong so I used my power of Vibes to make the list feel right. Like, scientifically. If you disagree with any of my interpretations, please keep it to yourself.

Aries — 500 Days of Summer

Yeesh. This is a time for you to re-examine your relationships and maybe figure out what the hell is wrong with you. Maybe by listening to the sounds of… metalworking.

Taurus — The Social Network

How relevant! This means you’ve made a few questionable choices and hurt some people in the past, and now you’re getting sued. Going forward, you should try to be nicer to women.

Gemini — Hotel Transylvania

Zing! Take this as a sign to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. You never know how your world can change for the better!

Cancer — Hotel Transylvania 2

This movie sucks. The stakes aren’t high enough and Johnny is an awful husband to Mavis. You need to stop trying to be something you’re not ready for.

Leo — Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation

You have lost the plot so insanely hard. The only saving grace of this film is that Johnny wasn’t in it as much. You should stop digging up parts of the past that are sweeter in memory. And stay away from boats.

Virgo — American Psycho

Get some business cards.

Libra — Hotel Transylvania: Transformania

Oh my god. You are literally not as fun and quirky as you think you are. Apologize to your wife and step the hell up for your half-vampire child, because he lacks discipline and he deserves a better father than you, you red-headed freak.

Scorpio — Confessions of a Shopaholic

This movie finally made me appreciate journalism. You should contribute to The Ubyssey.

Sagittarius — The Princess Switch

You are so underappreciated. This movie should be the centre of the Netflix Christmas cinematic universe, but they give all the attention to A Christmas Prince, which isn’t even good. Keep doing what you’re doing. I like it.

Capricorn — Minions

Oh, we got a banana fan on our hands. Haha, just messing with you.

Aquarius — How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Dare I say it: overhyped. The whole film kind of stressed me out, just like you do. Remember that doing things for the plot is only okay in theory. Watch your vanity.