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A very new year ha-roscope

DM me if you know how to get unstuck from a time loop.

New year, new you! Except for those of us stuck in a time loop. Except for those of us stuck in a time loop.

Here’s what the universe wants you to know.

Aries

Stay away from Hennings. If someone tells you to go to Hennings, be tense around them to the point of constipation. They are cooking up a special soup of disaster for you, which will make you more constipated. The point is, don’t accept soup from strangers. I learned this the hard way.

Taurus

Buy a delicious cookie. Now. You don’t have much time.

Gemini

This season is going to be so academically prosperous. You are going to be the top student in all of your classes and everyone is going to get crazy jealous. So jealous, in fact, that you will be hunted down à la Wicked. Get your grubby paws off the curve, witch.

Cancer

Hey, pal. You’re going to have the worst term of your life. I’d suggest an appointment with your faculty advisor, then with a therapist. Safe travels!

Leo

No comment.

Virgo

Yes, yes, yes! This is the energy we like to see for the new year. Whatever you’re doing right now, this very second, keep doing it. Perpetually. Forever.

Libra

Cute outfit! Stay inside during February.

Scorpio

Be close to a water fountain at all times. As a water sign, this should be a piece of cake. Except instead of cake, it’s water. But in the shape of a cake. Yum?

Sagittarius

You are going to discover a really underground artist. They will be your hidden gem. Really good music, better than what you’ve been listening to. Then, they’re going to blow up and you’re going to look so basic, even though you were an original fan. You will never get concert tickets.

Capricorn

Will you watch Sonic 3 with me? Wait, I control what this says. You will watch Sonic 3 with me.

Aquarius

Yikes.

Pisces

You’re going to save so much money this year. Lots of economic prosperity. So smile…

...For your mugshot! You evaded all your taxes! The government is chasing you down! There’s a beaver on your tail! Go!

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