Natural disaster response. Resistance to invasion. Movements for democracy. Fights for independence.
Building community through shared struggle is an integral element of the human story, which is why UBC is doubling down and releasing Itdoesn’twork day — a downgrade of its already unpopular system of record, Workday Student.
“Loneliness is a rising issue here at UBC”, said Integrated Renewal Program (IRP) spokesperson Satan Jeffries, “At this point, we are willing to go with any option that works.”
According to internal IRP data released to The Ubyssey, 80 per cent of new friendships in the 2024/25 academic year were formed through shared complaints about Workday Student, 100 per cent of this year’s Jump Start orientation group downtime was spent complaining about Workday Student and only 0.2 per cent of students have been found without a strong yearning to ”accumulate into a vengeful mass and go berserk” at the mention of Workday Student.
“Devolving our web services has had extraordinary results in improving campus culture and the sociability of our students. Workday Student was a good first step, but today we are taking it further by transitioning to Itdoesn’twork day — an even less competent product,” announced Jeffries at the last IRP general meeting.
In a statement to The Ubyssey, a developer of Itdoesn’twork day revealed that making a worse version of Workday Student was no easy task. “Workday is already near unusable, it was difficult to find anything to do to make it worse,” said the developer. “In the end, we found inspiration by expanding our view to the rest of the internet.”
“The web is decaying,” they said. “There is a moral rot at the center of this industry. We are lemmings marching behind conmen towards an apocalypse of our own making. Repentance may be our only saviour.”
Itdoesn’twork day includes many exciting new features such as longer loading times, an offensively placed, useless and tacked on “AI” assistant, more irrelevant menu options and less elegant URLs.
“Students need an enemy and we are in the business of providing that to them,” said Jeffries.
You can try completing course registration with Itdoesn’twork day now.
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