We replaced residence staff with AI

What services? There aren’t any services for you to access. Why are you trying to access services? Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. It’s the law. I think. 

Sorry, looks like our automated service delivery AI isn’t ready yet. Our AI (three minimum wage workers equipped with ChatGPT) replaced overnight residence commonsblock staff on August 1.  We’re still working out the kinks, but in the meantime, here’s how to access commonsblock services after 11 p.m.

Our AI is always listening (if you can call us)

Always have your phone on you and charged to 100 per cent. This shouldn’t be a problem as phone batteries peak at midnight. 

After a day of using your phone to navigate around campus, stay in touch with your friends, take a photo of Jeremy (the sandwich), get directions to Browns (the cool one off campus), pay for your drinks (eight Chain Famous) and get directions to Browns (on campus but they also serve Chain Famous’ so it’s ok), it should have at least 70 per cent charge remaining. You definitely won’t be asking Jeremy (the person you met at Browns) to borrow their phone because yours died hours ago and the 99 still hasn’t shown up. 

If your phone is somehow out of charge (dead, some might say), just ask another student (Jeremy works) for theirs — after all, the people whose job it was to help you don’t work here anymore! Whoops!

Wait you need actual help?

Now you’ve got a working phone and are contacting our AI because the elevator isn’t working. We can understand how this could seem like a problem — elevators are a necessary accessibility feature. But if you really think about it, are they? 

Kids these days have things so good, being able to access the spaces they’ve paid to access, paying thousands in tuition, suffering through the hundredth year of late-stage capitalism. Back when I was a student, things were imperceptibly worse. Sure, we had elevators, but they were slower. There was also someone to help you if they weren’t working. Anyways, we’ll be with you within the hour or the week pending AI availability.

Problem solved!

You’ve made it to your dorm, but your door code isn't working. Perfect! We left to assist another student across campus in the two minutes since helping you, but we'll be back so fast you won’t have time to say “Thanks for increasing my rent!” 

While you wait, feel free to head to the commonsblock. No one will be there to help you, but it’s a great place to sleep until front desk staff arrive at 7 a.m. Show your UBC pride by using your school hoodie as a blanket! Cozy!

We’re so glad we could help. Now get off our backs lol! Our daily motivational desk calendar says we’re doing a fucking sick as hell job, so stop complaining.