Last Tuesday, The Ubyssey obtained reports which showed that you’ve been totally weird recently, man.
Eyewitness accounts state that your vibe has totally shifted the last couple weeks and that you’re kind of freaking everybody out.
The Ubyssey spoke with your friends, Daniel Pasternak and Ricky Kajibbles, on the matter.
“He’s just totally distant now, all he does is watch daytime television and go down to the track to bet on the ponies,” said Kajibbles, a biochemistry and rock physiotherapy student. “Last week I walked in on him wearing reading glasses attached to a sparkly chain around his neck.”
“Yeah,” said Pasternak, a recent graduate with a major in trombone performance and a minor in being terrible at interviews, apparently.
When you were last seen in public, people at Stacy McIntyre’s party were quote, “Like, completely freaked out,” unquote, and saying that you were “totally harshing the vibe.”
“He was just being so weird,” said McIntyre. “We were talking about him all night and about how he was wearing a beret and like, war medals? I think he had like a Purple Heart or something?” referencing a type of war medal that you can only get from being injured in combat, and last I checked, dude, you’re like 22, so what’s your deal?
Disturbing accounts have surfaced that you also recently began dating 67-year-old Gladys Smith, a retired widow living in Kerrisdale.
“He just came into my life when I needed him most,” said Smith, who was acquitted of witchcraft charges in the 1970s. “He reminds me so much of my late husband, Stan.”
Opinion polls run by The Ubyssey on the subject have shown that of 300 readers, 70 per cent responded, “Yuck!” 24 per cent responded, “What? Who is that?” and 6 per cent were of the opinion that you’re totally possessed by that lady’s dead husband, dude.
This is a developing story and will be updated as The Ubyssey investigates the cost of a seance and/or exorcism.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.