I have always enjoyed the diverse cuisine this campus has to offer, from surprise chicken sashimi to the local chain restaurants’ specialty, excluded-from-promotion-at-this-location menu items. With the rollout of the new all-access dining model this year, I was ready to finally sample one dish that had long eluded me: rat.
For only $15, I was in the door and allowed to select whatever I wanted for lunch. I strode purposefully up to the counter without even surveying the other options.
“The rat.”
The worker behind the counter stared at me, shocked, I presumed, by my refined and discerning palate when the usual dietary dilettante would order a noodle bowl or caprese flatbread. He leaned in closer and asked me to repeat myself.
“The rat, please. I’d like to eat your rat, you know, the one that was discovered here last year? Plain is fine, or barbecue if you have it.”
“Is this some kind of joke? We don’t have rat on the menu,” he replied.
I stepped forward, indignant. “What do you mean it’s not on the menu? I paid fifteen bucks for all-access dining. You’re telling me now that it’s restricted to just normal slop?”
He held firm in his refusal. “There’s no way we’re serving you vermin. Pick out some chicken or something.”
Unbelievable. They sure have gotten high and mighty about proper food for a place that calls their meringue-almond flour sandwich cookies “macaroons” instead of “macarons.”
“Can’t,” I retorted, crossing my arms. “I’m allergic to everything except rat. I thought this school was supposed to accommodate dietary restrictions?”
To my disbelief, the worker claimed this “wasn’t a real thing.” He then regressed back to his bubonic plague-era backward thinking, insisting the rat was “likely diseased.” Never mind that I saw it eat a spilled free sample of Herbaland gummies off the ground, so it’s probably chock-full of antioxidants!
Not to worry, though. After I submit a negative feedback survey response on the UBC Food Services website, they’ll no doubt be forced to change their minds. After all, if there’s one thing this school administration cares about, it’s ensuring its students are well-fed.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.