On October 28, the AMS unearthed its time capsule which had been buried by the sands of time and lost to history for decades. Anticipation ran high as the UBC community waited for a glimpse of archaic artifacts from a bygone era: 1972.
But, when they lifted the lid, a greasy, balding head popped up.
“Holy shit, is that former US President Richard Nixon? I don’t remember putting him in there!” said 1972/73 AMS President Herbert Goose.
Richard Milhous Nixon was a Republican president famous for starting the war on drugs, talking about his dog on live television and being the first guy to start a podcast (recorded everything he said on secret tapes). He also was kicked out of office for authorizing a break-in of the Watergate Office Building to sabotage his political opposition.
“There is a conspiracy theory that Nixon fled to Canada after the Watergate scandal,” said American history Professor Enzo Clyde Pedia. “But I never dreamed that every morning biking to Buchanan, I was riding on top of ‘Tricky Dick.’”
As one of the most infamous public figures to step foot on UBC campus since French Montana graced the stage of the AMS block party a month ago, Nixon was immediately offered an honorary degree from the political science department.
Soon, he might be promoted even higher.
“Now that you mention it, ever since Santa Ono retired, we need a president,” said Board of Governors member Minh Ian.
Editor’s note: Watergate is the funniest political scandal because why would you record yourself doing crimes? Motherfucker just press pause! You can take yourself off the record!
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to firstname.lastname@example.org.