Now that it’s summer, I’m starting to realize that I miss school. I miss sleeping through Zoom classes, crying about tuition increases and walking down Main Mall. But you know what I miss the most about campus? Running into UBC celebrities everywhere.
So, in a desperate attempt to get some and connect with these celebs, I decided to download Tinder. I love love, you know, and I can’t stomach being the only person on campus that isn’t cuffed. I mean, it’s not all bad. I get to do stuff that only single people can do, like crying about my failed relationships during office hours and applying to be a mod on r/UBC.
Putting yourself out there is hard and it’s especially hard when you only date celebrities. Sure, it’s a little hedonistic, but I’m so smart and so funny and so relatable and totally not insufferable at all, so it’s like… I deserve a celebrity because I’m just perfect!
I made my profile. I had a photo of me with the girlies, one of me in front of that silver UBC sign and a photo of me holding a fish so I could cater to all fish-toting men. I've got to keep my options open — if I don’t match with a real celeb, I might as well match with a frat bro who thinks he’s a celeb.
I know it’s a long shot that I’ll match and fall madly, deeply and irrevocably in-love with a UBC celeb. But maybe, just maybe, getting Tinder would lead to the love of my life proposing to me on Main Mall. Or maybe our wedding would take place at the Rose Garden or maybe even Koerner's Pub and be made into a ThePlug video where they ask the attendees what they’re doing for LDOC even though we’re 30 and have been university graduates for almost a decade. Maybe we’ll end up with little UBCers running around our basement suite because that’s all we could afford.
What I'm trying to say is, who knows, maybe one of these pseudo-celebrities will actually fall in love with me!
Kip the Coyote
This match was one I was happy about. Ever since I saw Kip for the first time on campus, I was drawn to them. Strong, smart and well, super cute! What more could you ask for? And they’re famous? Sign me up!
Kip sucks at texting, so I made the first move. “Hey! You look super familiar, maybe I’ve seen you around campus?”
Kip responded super quickly and well, we have a date! We’re going to study together in Buchanan, which, if I had to choose, wouldn’t be my ideal date spot, but Kip is beauty and grace, elegance and taste and who am I to disagree?
I won’t lie to you, I did swipe right by accident. His bio was trash. He had nothing about his interests on his profile and he didn’t connect his Spotify (total red flag).
I didn’t message him, I mean… he’s not really my type. But, luckily for me, he clearly had the hots because he made the first move. His message? The UBC fight song, Hail UBC. Cringe.
I left him on read. How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that?
The next person I matched with was @ubcaffirmationz.
We have tons in common. We’re both super funny and famous. I’m pretty famous online. I have 200 karma on Reddit. Humble brag. So, this was legendary. Two of UBCs biggest influencers dating to create the largest influencer base in Point Grey.
I won’t lie, I was shocked that I matched with them. I never saw myself dating another influencer, but I mean, they had me at their hot takes. I’m starting to fall for them.
We’re going out on our first date tomorrow; exploring the UBC tunnels followed by studying at The Gallery (#SoberStudyIcons). How romantic, right?
Only downside is that it looks like I may not be able to become a Reddit mod anymore.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to firstname.lastname@example.org.