Girlbossmopolitan: Sex positions to try in your dorm

Your sex life sucks! It’s boring and you hate it and so does everyone you sleep with! Yeah, they told us. That’s why Girlbossmopolitan has a new set of wild positions to test out in the luxurious privacy of your UBC dorm. You’re welcome.

The Birb

Kinda like doggy style, but modified. No one is on all fours. While one penis-wielding partner is on their knees, the other is in front of them — also on their knees — but with their hands tucked under their armpits in a lovely wing shape to honour the beloved birbs around campus.

The Noisy Neighbour

One of the great benefits of living in dorms is always making sure everyone knows you’re getting some. If your bed isn’t already against a shared wall with another bedroom, move it over, but leave about 10 centimetres between the headboard and the wall, so that every time you thrust you get a magnificent bang-bang going.

Pull out this move next time you and your lover have the dorm to yourself — or whenever, if you simply do not give a shit about your floormates’ peace of mind (which is actually a sex-positive slay)!

The Fountain

As you might have guessed, the goal here is to get things wet — even if winter chills and exam stress is draining your fountain. Steal a tarp from one of the million construction sites around campus and cover that nasty carpet in your room. You don’t want that getting wet.

Add a lot of water-based lube, play with some ice and live your sex-scene-after-kissing-in-the-rain fantasy to its fullest extent.

The Orchard Commons

You’ve heard of cunnilingus. How about doubling it? Let’s get a community going to explore your orchard.

The Study Sesh

What you need: a dorm room, a kinky kinesiology baddie and (at least) 12 free hours. Let your physical-therapist-in-training flex their knowledge (and their forearms) by clinically naming and massaging every single bone, joint and muscle in your body.

Finish off by putting those thousand-dollar anatomy textbooks to good use — place them under your lower back for support as you get plowed into next week. Maybe you’ll absorb some of the info by osmosis! It is a study sesh, after all.

Let's Exchange

Breaking in your new Exchange nano-suite calls for something a little bigger than ol’ missionary. Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to switch places? Did Scare-a Hellevigne’s “peg the patriarchy” shirt (a groundbreaking act of radical feminism that literally ended misogyny BTW) awaken something in you?

Grab that strap and get pegging, girl! Make sure to lube up though, or his ass will be tighter than your 1.5 square metre nano-suite.

The Gage-Bang

Six roommates. Infinite possibilities. That’s… 36 combinations of people? 720 possible ways to do it? Wait, sorry, that doesn’t add up — I just haven’t taken a math course in three years because I’ve been too busy researching sex positions for Girlbossmopolitan.

Make sure your star charts are compatible though because with the wrong combo, this could blow up in your face. Unless you’re into that. You do you.

Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!