Newly single? Long-term single? Not sure how to adapt to the fast-paced world of internet speed dating? Afraid of failure? Afraid of success? Well here are The Dingbat Dirtbag’s surefire tips to change things — even if it’s not for the better.
Stay on your grind
You can get all the validation and affection you need from the grind, even when you don’t have anyone grinding on you.
And love your job — unrequited love is the most romantic type, if the poets are to be believed (though they aren’t people to take career advice from)
Use dating apps
Don’t take this time to learn a skill or maintain your friendships or start to finally feel good about yourself — get swiping! Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, FarmersOnly, LinkedIn DMs, Grindr, Feeld, Shewy, Norp, Glompsnackers and Ultimate Guitar Tabs!
Craft several different online versions of yourself
You can easily maintain seven competing personalities, each chopping off one personality trait you’re insecure about until somebody loves you.
Doing this means you can have seven times as many accounts on each of the aforementioned dating apps.
Examples: seven-foot cat mom, unrepentant hater, knobby-kneed archivist, entry-level philanthropist, dirty hippie, clean hippie, the Benjamin Franklin (wavy hair, big tummy, flies kites), farmer, hot mean dumb guy and war criminal.
Don’t tell them about your shadowy past
When your date asks why there are unmarked police vans following you everywhere and why you have nine different passports, ghost ‘em!
They’re not respecting your boundaries. Your life is nobody’s business but your own.
Listen to unlistenable music
If you like things everybody else likes, you’re just gonna go on a bunch of dates with the same person over and over! You have to post a Spotify Wrapped that will make some freak respond to your story saying “Wow! I didn’t think anybody else listened to this garbage,” so you can begin a totally insular and alienating relationship.
So you’ve had a string of torturous and unsustainable relationships, each ending in disaster. Each of these people have gone on to fulfilling, committed relationships directly after the time they spent with you. Do you think that means anything? That’s right, it was always their fault, not yours! The fact that you can’t think of anything you did wrong is a good sign, actually, and not delusion. The less you think about your actions, the more likely it will actually be that someone comes along and fixes you! Bonne chance!
I was required by my editor to put this one in, but we all know this is a waste of time.
Yeah, that’s right. I know you little goblins are reading this. And let me tell you, “lmao dating advice for Redditors is useless” wasn’t funny the first time you said it. Being a virgin doesn’t make you special. Being antisocial doesn’t mean you’re better than other people. Believe in yourself a little bit. I believe in you. Maybe you’ll meet someone nice on the field outside the Nest when you make an (misguided but good-spirited) effort to go touch some grass.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to firstname.lastname@example.org.