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Everyone likes doggos, even destitute students! If you’re feeling fuzzy, tweet a picture of your beautiful dog Fido. The kids will eat that shit up — and the more doggo pics you send out, the more likely people will forget that you caved to alumni donors who threatened to stop their donations after you disinvited a speaker accused of abusing multiple Indigenous children.

Guest Globe and Mail reporter Andy Roo was kind enough to take time away from quote-tweeting Jardon Porterson to pen a gleefully sycophantic fluff piece on one of the most powerful people in the country.

Just try it one day. Whip out that 200-year-old piece of gnarled, well-fingered wood — ha ha, hey, not that one! You’ll be surprised at the raw, sexual dynamism of the favoured instrument of people whose hands are too meaty for the violin.

Ethics and moral principle fly out the window in the funnest way when you’re strapped for cash. Imagine how invaluable you’d be to the students of your course when you shamefully hand over the answer to the only thing that you’ve ever loved.

“This is a beautiful story for people of all ages with a beautiful moral: if you just hang around long enough, good things will happen to you.”

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