One of the most prominent figures at UBC is a completely inanimate object. It’s not the little cute mushroom steam vents, it’s not the Cairn. It’s Buchanan Tower, the architectural masterpiece built in 1972 that looms over campus. Some people hate it, some people — the guy who designed it — love it. We thought it would be nice to sit down and ask it a few questions, just so everyone can get to understand the incredibly misunderstood building a little better.
The Main Maller: Hi Buchanan Tower, how are you doing today?
Buchanan Tower stands still, wind blowing past it on a gloomy early spring day. A person enters and presses the elevator button.
The Main Maller: Lovely. I really want to ask, is it hard being in your position as one of the most disdained buildings on campus?
Buchanan Tower looms over campus and brutally does not answer my question. The temporary construction fencing rattles as the 45 km/h winds try to knock it over. Nothing can knock over Buchanan Tower. Nothing.
The Main Maller: Uh, okay. So what is your favourite office in the whole building?
A leaf drifts past as I wait for the answer. The sky is as grey and oppressive as the tower. I feel a sense of doom as I realize the tower isn’t going to answer my questions.
The Main Maller: Are you capable of speech? Please say a word or two.
Buchanan Tower, 10 minutes later, answering in a booming and voice that shakes the earth beneath us: Yes.
The Main Maller: Thank you. Is there anything you want people at UBC to know about you so they feel less afraid?
Buchanan Tower: Be afraid. I see all. I am unstoppable, everlasting. I have an intricate system of tunnels beneath me where 10,000,000 rats dwell, waiting. The elevator shaft leads to the tunnels. Be afraid.