The Dingbat: New UBC study shows climate crisis will be 'totally badass'

With the climate crisis a very real and looming threat, a new report from UBC's Institute for Resources, Environment and Sustainability has concluded that a climate-change-driven apocalypse would be "totally badass."

The study highlights several key factors to support this unprecedented rise in kickassery, such as "all those awesome Mad Max vehicles," "totally sick tornadoes that could, like, rip your face off and everything" and "all the neat Wastelander outfits we'll get to wear." Taking these factors into consideration, the report predicts a 110 per cent increase in "badassitude" by the time the ice caps melt.

"And we're not talking about that boring I Am Legend stuff either," the study's co-author Dr. Arnold Arnoldson asserted. "None of that basic shit. We'll all be cannibals beating people to death with spike mallets, and some of us will even get lucky and have cool mutations. Personally, I'm hoping to get a mohawk and talking arm. That'd be so rad."

The report also identified several places that will experience significant increases in kickassery. For small coastal cities like Prince Rupert, BC, the report predicts massive floods sweeping through and submerging all residential areas, forcing people to mutate into fish-like abominations that feed on human flesh.

"By 3145, you won't be able to swing a dead cat without hitting a bitchin' looking fish mutant in areas like these. Mostly because cats will be extinct by then," said Arnoldson. "And if we're lucky, we might even get to see some shark people too. It'll be so cool."

Experts have thus advised areas like Prince Rupert to prepare flood countermeasures in their communities and begin erecting monuments to Dagon, the fishman Lord of the Oceans and Father of the Deep, all hail.

The most dramatic increase in badassery will be found in large coastal cities like Vancouver. By 2060, the study predicts that The Purge-style Purgers will be running rampant through the streets, driven to violence by desperation while wearing costumes and masks that are honestly pretty baller.

By 2070, wars will have broken out over what little food remains, which will "probably give us some cool mech suits to mess around with." By 2080, the city will be a shell of itself, standing as a rusty monument to the old world, now overrun by scavengers fighting for what scraps remain.

"If immediate action is not taken in regards to climate change, the kickassery of the world will see a sharp incline the likes of which we haven't seen since World War Two." Arnoldson commented. "And this will affect the young most of all. Babies will be born into an unforgiving world that will harden them into stoic, lethal survivors ready to brave any danger the endless wastes throw at them. We even believe some of them will have to duel each other with chainsaws for food. Lucky bastards."

Some, however, dispute just how much the badassery of the world will increase in the coming years. A study by Simon Fraser University concluded that the badassness of the world would only increase slightly, if at all.

"We may get a few Sand Worms here and there and, yes, a handful of barbarian-scavenger tribes. That's undeniable," said Professor James Jamison, lead author of the Simon Fraser study. "But when it comes to death storms, cults and populations of molemen as predicted by our colleagues in the University of British Columbia, it's just not likely."

Dr. Arnoldson responded to these statements this afternoon by muttering the word “killjoys,” to himself and fashioning an aluminum-foil hat. Responding to the report’s findings, nations all over the world have vowed to halt all attempts to combat climate change, citing the fear of lowered badassery.

In a press conference this afternoon, Prime Minister Trudeau announced, “We here today cannot deny our children their futures as badass wasteland warriors with shotguns for legs. To this end, I will be halting all efforts by this government to address climate change. Both of them.”

The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to