In this week’s sports game between UBC’s Thunderbirds and UVic’s Vikes, a bunch of really interesting things happened. Unfortunately, the Ubyssey writer assigned to cover this (Landen) was otherwise occupied bombing their midterm, and was unable to see the game proper. Fortunately for the sporting public, the writer’s six-year-old nephew was eyewitness to the event. This reliable source has graciously agreed to reenact it with the highest accuracy.
The following account has been edited for length and clarity.
The game began at the first down, where the teams valiantly attacked each other, chainsaws raised. After this false start and a quick hosing down of the arena, the replacement teams were shoved out into the rink, where they eyed each other warily for a few minutes. Then, prodded by whispered threats of financial repercussion from their managers, the teams charged.
Very little of interest happened at first. The Thunderbirds were able to hold third base in a brutal siege against their Victorian opponents, but the real action came from a prolonged bout of trench warfare in the end zone.
It was in the 17th inning that things really started to heat up. The ‘Birds’ goalie, Bluey from Bluey, gained control of all three time-fracture wickets, and used them to poke the Vikes’ shortstop in the eye. They weren’t expecting the intrepid shortstop to pull another five wickets from their sleeve. With the shortstop’s mana recharged, the goalie was jousted into the penalty box.
Of course, things really started to heat up in the 87th parsec. With a dextrous flash of a magic marker, the T-Birds’ fixer drew a pentagram on the turf, attempting to summon unspeakable powers from beyond the veil of existence to give him an assist. Our source knowing how to draw a pentagram and intone stuff like this is concerning, we have to admit. Anyways, unfortunately for the T-Birds, the fixer had incorrectly parsed the mystic runes and instead summoned a pack of feral unicorns. The single-horned menaces wreaked havoc on the playing field until they were defeated by Bluey in a battle of such an epic scale that it can scarcely be understood, let alone described.
It was the √-7th penalty when things actually heated up. The Vikes’ rear quarterback turned into a LEGO plane and shot the north tower of Walter Gage at the opposition. The ‘Birds’ shields held, but they couldn’t return fire with photon torpedoes. Instead, the chief engineer loaded a suspiciously raw-looking Totem Park chicken wing into a toilet paper tube and fired that, inflicting Victoria’s finest with food poisoning.
All seemed lost for the Vikes, as even being a LEGO plane won’t help an upset stomach. But in their darkest hour, the Vikes’ cunning centre fielder waved his fingers around and made ominous mouth noises, thus traveling back in time to before the point of food poisoning. Just as the centre fielder stood atop the ice exulting in their victory, an enterprising T-Bird gave them a good poke in the eye with a time fracture wicket, restarting the melee.
The metaphorical bottle having been uncorked on temporal warfare, both teams’ members began to slowly wink out of existence, as their opposing teams traveled back through the vortex to prevent their foes’ birth. The problem with this, of course, was that the overwriting of one member’s existence who had previously overwritten others caused those previously overwritten others to retroactively un-overwrite (underwrite? Who knows at this point) themselves, simultaneously re-overwriting others. This created numerous fascinating strategic opportunities, as players from both teams were intercepted by T-Birds and Vikes players reappearing from the ether to stop a successful frisbee home run.
Eventually, the Vikes’ left centre backward sideways forward pulled a megaphone from their coat pocket and declared the time had come to end this through hand-to-hand combat. The T-Bird 3/8ths-back rose to the challenge, and both began to circle each other, as fight music from that one Star Trek episode began to play from nowhere. Vocalizing violently, both fighters’ hair lengthened and turned bright colors, as each unleashed 10 per cent of their full power and leveled Vancouver, thus bringing the game to an end.
Wow, what an exciting game! The Ubyssey would have requested further details, but our source needs to be tucked in as it’s past their bedtime.