An illustration of Chipotle foods lining up outside a Chipotle at night

Really long Chipotle line (of DOOM)

It was a typical Tuesday afternoon when Chipotle first opened on campus, like a mirage in the desert — or, more accurately, a glistening beacon of guacamole in a wasteland of sad cafeteria salads and overpriced Starbucks sandwiches.

Holding death's door

I was a statue, haunted by the phantom of my former self, metal handle tight between my fingers as I grimaced at the students who passed.

Chopped

Suddenly, as if the universe had heard me, a MasterChef audition invite arrived in my inbox.

TupperSCARE

To the fridge I head, seeking the only comfort this pale life offers me.

A GHOULISH push

It's brother-against-brother, cats-eating-their-own-young, neighbors-knocking-over-each-others-bins-and-blaming-raccoons — society!?

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