In an era of information overload, sometimes you need to make your mind go blank even if it’s just for the seven minutes it takes to walk from class to class. Here’s a list of perfectly-timed songs with which to prevent a conscious thought from ever breaking through.
Bus Loop to Buchanan: Nine minutes
If you want to match the feeling of getting railed by your daily commute on the nihilistic march from the 99 B-Line over to your dogshit 9 a.m. seminar, why not get a good rhythm going? This electronic soundscape will inspire you to keep your head up and your feet on the ground, pushing forward, forward into a new day.
Buchanan to Forestry: 13 minutes
Stars of the Lid — "The Daughters of Quiet Minds"
You gotta calm down, man! You gotta stay calm! You’re late to your forestry elective every single day and today will be no different! You’re such a fuckup! Just put on this ethereal whimsy or some shit, bro, because if you put on anything above 60bpm your heart is gonna explode!
Your shitty first year dorm to the Nest: 10-12 minutes
Taylor Swift — "All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version)"
Turns out they’re not The One. You tried long distance for a few weeks, but that high school romance just couldn’t withstand the combined pressures of Jump Start, low-quality FaceTimes and that cutie in your CHEM 100 lecture (which will definitely work out much better, for sure) you’re going to have to be engaging in the time-honoured tradition of the Turkey Dump. Sure, any Taylor Swift song will work in this situation, but this one is exactly 10 minutes so you can focus on wiping your eyes instead of choosing another sad song.
Chemistry Building to Biological Sciences Building: Three minutes
So you guys hooked up, he never texted you again and then in OChem today he had the nerve to ask you for notes? When you get to the Biological Sciences building to meet your friends coming out of their anatomy course, they’re gonna get a whole earful, believe me! But until then, TLC will give you a handy map on ethics and etiquette.
Woodward to Bus Loop: Four minutes
Meek Mill — "Dreams and Nightmares"
So you fucked it. You shit the bed so hard on that final they had to throw out the whole mattress. You drift towards the bus loop to catch the 4 in a dreamlike state, feeling wrongfully persecuted much in the way Meek Mill has been throughout his career (if only a fraction as severely). Hopefully the drop will snap you out of it, but perhaps its jubilance will fall on unhearing ears.
Top Floor of Koerner Library to Main Floor: 1 minute, 30 seconds
After a cram sesh, you need to obliterate your brain cells with music that sounds like shit and then get killed by a subreddit for saying so. A safe alternative is anything by 100 gecs, whose fans are fully aware of what their music sounds like.
AMS Treasury Offices to Whatever Your On-Campus Bank Is: 3.5ish minutes
These motherfuckers are running a miserable business, man. This business is making me fuckin’ miserable. It only took about 7 weeks to get your $50 refund from the AMS, setting its all time record for speed, so go on and deposit your check! Feel wronged in only a way that Hayley Williams can express.
The Nest to Sauder: Six minutes
Radiohead — "How to Disappear Completely"
To use the Sauder bathrooms or attend your bizarrely-placed club meeting or elective, you must subsume yourself into the tapestry of the Rise and Grindset — starch your collar, update your LinkedIn and brand the Alpha Delt logo onto your chest. You must learn How To Disappear Completely if you want to survive the trek through the hallways and up those evil stairwells, because if you don’t blend in, you’re going to get familiar with Sauder’s organic gatekeeping processes.
These songs are certainly interchangeable with other similarly-timed songs, but I guarantee that these tunes will either manifest into your psyche or completely blot it out — either way, you can’t argue with the results.