UBC study shows professors have lives, go to the beach

UBC professor Dr. Jerry Ko-Beach discovered professors have lives and go to the beach in his 2024 study titled “Professors in the present pre-postmodern age.”

Ko-Beach surveyed professors across the Lower Mainland to learn more about their “lives.” Ninety-eight per cent of surveyed professors said they “do things outside of academia.”

Editor’s Note: No fucking way.

“There are misconceptions created by urban legends, students and suburban legends that professors — or educators, more broadly — only do nerd shit,” said Ko-Beach in an interview with The Ubyssey. “We also do cool shit, like go to the beach.”

Ko-Beach said 89 per cent of respondents enjoy going to the beach, and 99 per cent would go “if they want to, or if their friend was hosting a picnic or maybe for a first date or something.”

No respondents mentioned building a sandcastle, which is pretty fucked up because I like sandcastles.

Ko-Beach said the general public may be confused by these findings despite them being “not surprising at all.” I disagree — it’s a universally known fact that teachers live at school. Since the establishment of professors, there have been no recorded sightings of professors in non-academic environments because that’s the way things are, according to science.

When asked if professors live at the university, Ko-Beach had something to say.

“No.”

This fascinating revelation has shocked UBC students across the Vancouver campus. Students have drawn attention to Ko-Beach’s study, with some calling it revolutionary.

“Yeah,” said Dore Kuh, first-year mixology and broistry student. “I’ve always thought of professors as nerds, but they are so much more than that. They also go to the beach, and I think that’s beautiful.”

Community members — students and academics alike — spoke in support of the study, commending its use of the words “study,” “research,” “epistemology” and “beach.”

However, Trai Hardê, a third-year rizzology student, doesn’t believe that Ko-Beach’s research is squeaky clean.

“Dude, Jerry Ko-Beach is a prof, of course he’s going to make it seem like he’s cool and has a life,” said Hardê.

Ko-Beach was appalled by this comment.

“What? That is … preposterous! That is so untrue. I- I can’t believe someone would say that,” said Ko-Beach in between sobs. “Life is defined as the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter. Do I look inorganic to you? I am so organic! I’m a vegan. Besides, Descartes once said…”

In an attempt to get to the bottom of this (journalism moment), I asked Ko-Beach what his plans were for tonight. He screamed into a fuzzy blue throw pillow for 36 seconds, did a double dab (you don’t even wanna know) and then said he would get back to me.

He didn’t.