Going to a museum isn’t a personality

I’m going to come out and say it, because being honest and forthcoming is what writing on the internet is all about, right? Here goes. I am not cultured. 

At least, not nearly “UBC cultured” enough. Sure, we have a lot of museums and cool-looking science buildings, but after rotting in Buchanan for five (5) hours, I am getting right on that bus and going home to rot in my basement suite which is only slightly less prison-like than my beloved Buch. 

The rats living in the drain outside my front door say hello, btw. 

This brings me to my New Year's resolution: be more cultured. 

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that I, personally, would really benefit from going to a museum, I would have at least four nickels (sorry if you said this to me and I forgot, mwah), which is not a lot, but it’s enough to be mildly insulting. 

Apparently, going to go look at paintings or dead stuff will give me “a personality” or “real interests.” 

But really, what does this say about me? That I have the personality of someone who has never once wanted to take precious time out of their day to look at a dead whale? Maybe it’s you, faithful visitor of a room full of taxidermy animals, that needs a better personality. 

(I have no idea of whether or not taxidermy animals are actually in that museum — you know the one — but my boyfriend had to do some sciencey assignment in first year where he took a photo with a dead fox or something. I don’t know. Bear with me. Or maybe it was a dead bear? Moving on.)

Yes, apparently the Beaty Biodiversity Museum (big whale bone one near the engineering Starbys) has something to do with “research” and “learning,” which I am obviously invested in as a delinquentdiligent UBC student. I’m just saying maybe I don’t need to change. Maybe I sleep better at night not knowing what lies within those mysterious walls. 

See article A:

Jocelyn Baker / The Ubyssey

The same can be said about the Museum of Anthropology. In my defense, the thing has been closed for quite possibly the entire duration of my degree. What's inside? Probably some interesting things, IDK. 

Apparently I have “no original ideas” and “looking at some artifacts” might “encourage critical thinking.” I raise you: would I be writing this piece if I was not the most critical of thinkers? Think on that, sheep. 

The Moris and Helen Belkin Art Gallery, you ask? Apparently it’s “free” and “interesting,” and maybe people will post about me on UBC crushes if I look really mysterious and stare wistfully at a painting or two. Just a theory. But again, why stare wistfully at paintings when I can stare rizzfully at actual people?

Article B:

Jocelyn Baker / The Ubyssey

What is this piece of writing? An advertisement for campus attractions? A New Year’s resolution a month into 2024? An anti-resolution? Filler content for our website? Another thing we can put up on Reddit that will get like 2 hate comments and maybe 14 upvotes? Who knows, not me. 

As THE Taylor Swift once said, “haters gonna hate.” But you know what I’m going to do? Shake it right off, my friends. Shake off these foolish accusations that I need to be anything more than what I am: a Snapchat-streak-sending hero in a world of bystanders and extras. 

Museums are filled with NPCs and I am filled with a desire not to sneeze over old things some academic deemed “priceless.” 

You know what’s priceless? Me. 

Museum-propaganda spitters be warned: keep testing me and your street cred will be the extinct species encased in a bespoke display — or however museums work.