I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need: to stop seeing stupid mustaches and toques every time I’m on hinge. What I wouldn’t give to not see another bio saying “I would let you steal my hoodies” and listing Beabadoobee as a favorite artist. That would be a Christmas miracle!
Nevertheless, I’m seeking a mistletoe mate who can chop wood for the fireplace and keep things hot, if you know what I’m saying (ignite and maintain the fire). If you’re also looking for a hunk to get warm with as the weather gets damp, this guide is for you.
Step zero
Get busy… No, not like that. Not right now — obviously, you don’t have time for the holidays because you’re too focused on your $5 billion business startup, simultaneous career as a rocket engineer, and not failing MATH 110. And you definitely don’t have time for love!
Step one
All good Hallmark movies start with a meet-cute. Amble mysteriously in your local cafés and bookstores, feign lostness in the biology building and make sure to start falling down. A lot. You should be indistinguishable from a cartoon character in a banana factory. Pew Research Center has shown that optimizing book-dropping and coffee-spilling increases meet-cute potential by 58 per cent, so butter up your shoe bottoms and hit the town!
Step two
Have that meet cute with the perfect holiday partner. The first step is all a numbers game to cast your net. But you can’t just smooch any old fish. Selecting the right match is key and will make or break your holiday spirit. Things to avoid: anyone who knows what a record player is. In fact, try to find someone who knows the definition of NOTHING. If the mind is an intricate house of opinions and memories, their’s got cleared out years ago. To see more, Google “himbo” on an IKB computer.
Step three
Go on a date. This has to be a coffee date, which we all know is as expensive as most restaurants. Vancouver, baby! Make sure you order a peppermint-flavoured option, and if they are playing anything other than the same Christmas music playlist looping every 30 minutes, you are legally entitled to steal money from the register.
Look deep into their eyes. Laugh about nothing. Go on a walk down Main Mall under the string lights at sunset (3 p.m.). The two of you will almost kiss, they’ll ask you out again, and of course, you gotta say yes.
Step four
You’re dating! It's great! But now you have to worry about your new Christmas kiss-pal getting in the way of your ambition. You have deadlines to meet! You’re three weeks over the extension date of something you were already five weeks behind on! Get behind the academic wheel and hold on for dear life!
Step five
Make. Drama. Right before your big deadline, come up with a miscommunication to rip you two apart. This can range from a small slip of the tongue, a grinch like “I never liked Christmas,” to accidentally making them think you’re a wanted criminal in several provinces and countries. Whatever it is, you could solve the problem if you just talked to each other. But you don’t have time for that!
Step six
Break up. The most difficult part of this. You will cry. You will spend a whole day staring out the window, mourning the most exhilarating romance of your life (to see more, Google “Bella Swan New Moon” on the IKB computers). You’ll never recover, and you have to swear off all love for the rest of your life.
Step seven
You know where this is going. Submit your final project and get to the airport. But make a meal out of it: post on your story that you’re going to the airport; tell all of your friends that you're heading to the airport; recount your tragic love affair to strangers at the airport. Sigh like no one has sighed before! Think of a leaky tire in Albertan summer heat. And, above all, walk through that airport slowly.
Step eight
When — not if — your Christmas cheerfriend starts to chase you through the airport, pretend not to hear them until they are right behind you. Listen to that Cranberries song at TOP VOLUME. Don’t worry, airport security is notoriously lenient toward random people running through the airport in the name of true love. They know it’s just that time of year.
Step nine
Reunite and hug. Listen to your partner whisper something about the meaning of Christmas or whatever (again, please look up “himbo” and “himbo definition” and also “are my professors aliens?” on the IKB computers). Ditch your family over the holidays and stay with your true love.
Step 10
Break up by New Years.
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