As Meghan Thee Scallion once said, “Sorry, hoes hate me ‘cuz I’m the It-Girl / I ain’t never ask to be the shit, girl.”
And what a burden being “the shit” is.
If you’re looking for a guide on how to be scrumdidlyumptious incarnate in skinny jeans, look no further, Anita’s got you covered — or not, I won’t police your clothing choices (unless, of course, they’re mega-cheugy). As you’re well aware, I am the divine authority on Hotness and in this article I’ll be letting all you ruling-class baddies in on my sexy little secrets.
Let me clear something up: those hippy-dippy, girlboss-wannabe, ‘we’re all beautiful’ type posts are bullshit. You become the It-Girl on campus by becoming Hotness. Hotness is not a state of mind. Hotness is a way of life: physically, mentally and spiritually. If you’re only Hot internally, you aren’t projecting your Hotness, and therefore not maximizing your Hotness — because part of being Hot is reminding others you’re Hotter than them.
Like anything else a material girl owns, Hotness is valuable because it is gatekept. Hotness is a currency. Do you give out money for free? No, not unless it’s charity. So all you uglies out there, consider this article charity. If you aren’t kicking others down, you aren’t pushing yourself up. Go kick down your RA or TA. Fuck ‘em!
Just like we, as a society, should strive to widen the gap between the everyday civilian and the elite super-rich, you should, as an It-Girl, do your best to put as much social distance between you and the unsavory masses. The world is your Bean Girls-esque high school cafeteria, and nobody can sit with you.
Part of the mental game of Being Hot is having layers. Contrast is key! People like mystery. If you’re Hot on the outside, maintain some level of ugliness on the inside. Yes, I did just state that being Hot is a mental, spiritual and physical game, but part of being Hot is rejecting any criticism that comes your way, contradicting yourself and saying whatever you want. I’m the professor (in a Hot way), and it is your duty as my strawberry-lip-gloss-wearing disciples to never question a thing I say.
If you want to be the Hottest in the game, you have to be cutthroat. Hotness has a four per cent acceptance rate and you really want in! Keep the uglies on their toes. Learn from history, and undermine that whole ‘peasant class overthrows the ruler’ trope… it’s overused and boring anyways. Assert your Hotness. Maintain your Hotness. Uphold your power.
But lastly, my stupid little students, there is no singular definition of Hot and there is no single Hot look. I am the best definition of Hot. But you can’t be me. So be you. Just a Hot version of you. If you’re sitting here thinking “but… I’m not Hot” then honestly there’s no help for you and you’ve missed the whole point of this article, because to be Hot you have to be the most me version of you possible, and what does that come with? Believing you’re Hot. Manifesting your Hotness. Having a Hot attitude. The goal of being Hot is not to look like any one person, or dress any one way, because if everyone had the same conception of ‘Hot’ everyone would look the same and then nobody would be Hot.
So basically, dear reader, I’m thankful for you. Because of your inability to figure out what Hotness is, I remain the Hottest of them all.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I’ll never be ugly thanks to y’all. `
Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!