Girlbossmopolitan: Perfecting the art of being more toxic than your RA

Unlocking your girlboss potential should be at the forefront of your mind at all times, and honestly, we’re here for it. If “G” stands for gorgeous then you’re already 1/8 of your way to being a badass, baby!

We’ve got you covered on all things girlboss here at Girlbossmopolitan and so does our cover girl, Andrea Queefburglar. She’s here to dish all the goss that goes into being a #girlboss.

You’ve been waiting for this cover story your whole life and you hardly even knew it. It found you out of nowhere, like a random surge of motivation that comes in the few minutes we get away from the rain on a shitty day in March.

From being the topic of over 100 esteemed UBC Crushes posts, to being the girlfriend of the T-Bird, Queefburglar is no stranger to being the center of attention. And when Girlbossmopolitan reached out to her for an exclusive interview, we knew we had to be READY for the tea.

But are YOU? Read on to find out if you can indeed unlock the true potential of girlbossery by applying Queefburglar’s secrets to being more toxic than the most toxic person in your life — your fucking RA.

Hi Andrea! Thanks so much for joining us.

OMG, no worries bestie! I’ve been waiting to get interviewed by Girlbossmopolitan forever! Honestly, so many young women at UBC need idols to look up to and I can’t tell you how important it is that I am one of them.

We’re even more excited than you are! Now, for our first question — how did you unlock your girlboss potential? Was it always there? Have you always been able to slay?

I think 100 per cent of girls are already girlbosses. It’s a matter of applying the potential of this so-called ‘G-Spot’ to everything you do in your life. What works for me might work for you, which is why I’m here to give you the DL.

I unlocked my girlboss potential mostly by aiming to be more toxic than everyone in my life. Odd, right? But my New Year’s resolution for 2022 was to be worse than I’ve ever been and honestly I’m kind of thriving.

We love to see it, queen! Our readers are definitely curious to know how RAs fit into all this, though.

Let’s be real. If you’ve lived in residence, you know the pain of having the RA knock after 11 p.m. to document you, or tell you your house smells dank or whatever excuse they come up with. That is some toxic bullshit that no girlboss should ever deal with.

So I decided to come up with a few ways to be more toxic than my RA and it’s become a mantra. You need to put away your crystals and affirmations — this is where it’s really at.

We’re ready for it. Spill the tea, sis!

The first thing you want to do is stick a poster of yourself on top of the little introductory posters the RAs always plaster on the walls around the building. Toxic? More like establishing dominance and territoriality, honey.

Next thing you want to do is show up to every floor event with your noisiest, most girlboss friends. That way you can not only gaslight the crowd like a girlboss, but also gatekeep your floor.

And the third thing — which is my personal favourite and an absolute essential — you have to be very, very sweet with your RA. Always. Because you never know when they’re going to document you, so it’s better to be one step ahead and become their fake bestie. Bring those saccharine smiles, and even throw in some extra strong Betabucil into the ‘coffee’ you just bought them.

Oh my! Besides being a total girlboss, your skin is amazing! How do you get it to look this good?

Toxicity dehydrates! So I picked up a strict skincare regimen once I unlocked my full girlboss potential! It’s so important to always drink water. The soap from Buchanan Eh works wonders as a face wash, too!

Remember to spread negativity, dolls. `

Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!