It was 2016 and I was a doe-eyed freshman nervous to go into my first economics lecture. My university is huge and numbers are hard, you know? I sat down in the corner of the big auditorium — little did I know my world was about to change.
His name was Dick. He wasn’t tall, but also wasn’t a short king either. He had a weird hairstyle that made him look like he had never had a haircut in his life and a face so immemorable that you couldn’t visualize it for the life of you. I was smitten by this total alpha.
Dick was loud and never afraid to say what was on his mind. He was focused and liked to analyze the class material. He wasn’t at university to figure out who he was, he had a five-year plan. He was thoughtful and always ensured that he was ‘just playing the devil’s advocate,’ before he spoke in class so he wasn’t misunderstood. He made jokes all the time and explained his jokes right afterwards.
And the best part? He was in his third year. An older guy. Mature, even.
One day when we were learning about opportunity and sunk cost, I had my shot. We were doing a group assignment and I ended up in the same group as Dick and his friend, Chad.
“Let’s do this bro, I don’t want to waste my time on this anymore,” said Dick before downing his smoothie. He looked so good in his fraternity’s hoodie. I was blushing. Hard.
It was wonderful being in his group. I didn’t even have to do much, Dick talked the whole time and had all the answers. He was a mansplainer, but in the best, sexiest way possible. After class just as I was about to leave, he looked at me and asked me what I was doing that night.
My stomach somersaulted. “Nothing,” I said sheepishly.
Act cool, act cool, ACT COOL.
“Wanna go out?”
OMG.
“Sure,” I said back.
We ended up going to our university’s bar. On our second drink, his hand touched my thigh and I died a little.
His hand! My thigh! A match made in heaven!
He told me all about his big business ideas and explained the stock market to me. He wasn’t taking ECON 101 to fill up space, he had a vision.
I was glad he was again doing all the talking because I was so nervous. But sometime during the night, he said “Thank you for listening to me. You’re not like other girls. You actually listen.”
I was so into him that after drinks, I went back to his frat house with him. We started kissing, we laid down on his bed and well, you know…
It was the most interesting, brief experience. Dick was an alpha in bed too. His tongue was aggressive and his kiss, well it was wet. His finger was speedy and he absolutely loved touching, sort of pressing on my inner thigh. He kept asking me if I’d come, but I didn’t understand what he was talking about. “Ah, it must be because I’m wearing a condom,” he complained, which didn’t make sense to me but I was getting used to his mysterious demeanor.
Afterward, we were laying in his bed and I was looking at his posters. They were mostly photos of half-naked, very buff men.
“You need to envision who you want to become, you know,” Dick said.
God, he’s so smart.
Before I could ask him how he was going to become a calendar model, he broke my heart.
“You need to leave,” he said. “Girls get attached after sex and I don’t do attached.”
I never forgot Dick, regardless of how short our time together was. Until I got a vibrator. But, that’s a story for another time.
Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!