Report: 80 per cent of frat pledges are toddlers from Orchard Commons daycare

Data from the 2023/24 Greek Life Bid Day shows 80 per cent of pledges came from Orchard Commons this year, specifically the Orchard Commons Hummingbird Daycare. This is a result of a flyer switch-up making parents believe they were sending their kids to a field trip that promoted “community, hard work and positivity,” and not to run down the Nest staircase and shout unintelligibly.

Chad Huddington, a senior freshman frat bro from Alpha Gamma Rama Tama Pi, said it wasn’t a big deal when confronted.

“Um, ya, like I was in charge of outreach and I had posters to hand out, but when I was handing them out and stuff I got distracted and set them down. When I looked back at them some woman was taking them away so I just left and got a snack. She looked like some kind of teacher, so I just assumed she knew what she was doing. I mean it’s like no carnaval no games, am I right?"

Some UBC students are demanding the UBC Interfraternity Council stop recruiting kindergarteners on the r/UBC subreddit. Reddit user populartvshowreference420 wrote a ten paragraph essay about child abuse we were too tired to read, so we just copied the end: “TL;DR They can’t even walk. How can they rush a frat??” But populartvshowreference420 was absolutely bodied by user slippytits’s reply: “suck my dick.” 

Frat guy and fourth-year kegstand major Spork Michaels said a founding principle of fraternities is diversity and inclusion, so they can’t discriminate on the basis of age. 

“It would just be wrong. Plus, you haven’t seen these kids — as soon as you put their beer in a sippy cup they can chug it faster than some of our other members,” Michaels said, before backflipping onto a keg and chugging the whole thing.

The potential pitfalls of having preschoolers join a frat may be outweighed by the tremendous amount of skills they seem to be gaining. Jonas Brothers (no relation), just five years old, has been able to absolutely wreck every other frat member at Phi Psi Ki Li Epsilon in beer pong, developing an incredible aim for someone his age.

“Yeah, man — I’m the king of this world. I finna drop outta school and go pro,” said Brothers.

Frat boys (not the children) have also gained some knowledge from the experience, learning how to change diapers and thinking twice about unprotected sex.