So, you fucked up. There are less than two weeks until school starts, and you’ve spent the entire summer doing absolutely nothing. When you have to tell your classmates in intro to winemaking what you did this summer, you’re going to look lame as hell. You need fun, you need excitement and you need to make bad decisions that you’ll regret in 30 years.
Here’s what I would do if I were in that situation (which I’m definitely not).
Start easy
You won’t survive the two weeks of jam-packed Certified Fun if you just jump in full-throttle. You have to start slow — reduce your bed rotting time from 10 hours to 6. Swap Netflix for watching a movie in 67 parts on TikTok. Touch real grass. Then, when you’re only slightly dizzy from seeing the sun for the first time in three months, ramp up the intensity.
Party
Lady Gaga once said: “No sleep! Bus, club, another club, another club.” In eight words, she established the order of events for an ideal night like Copernicus establishing the order of planets in our solar system. Party all the time — on the beach, at that indie music festival, in the Ryan Reynolds bathroom at Glitch and every other important place. Legally, something fun has to happen at parties (don’t fact-check that). Plus, if the beat is always popping, then you won’t have to worry about the ever-impending doom of having to find a seat in IKB come midterm season.
Become a certified Outdoor Person™️️
Naturally (haha), your classmates will talk about their summer time spent in the wilderness since Vancouver is full of outdoorsy people. There’s an easy way to fit in and keep up with their stories. Try rock climbing, but don’t tell people how tall the rock was — just say that you climbed to the top! Step on a pebble and call it done. When they ask for the name of the mountain, make one up. They’ll feel inferior because you’re climbing rocks they’ve never even heard of. Brag about all that tension, belaying, V6 something-or-other. If that doesn’t work, go for a walk through Pacific Spirit Park and call it a “hike.” What’s the difference anyways? Nothing. Hikers are just trying to act all cool and mysterious going on their long walks. Now go pretend to be one.
Make more time
Two weeks is not enough time to live through an entire summer. But since you only clued into that now, you should make more time by building a time machine to go back to the start of the summer. It’s not that hard. Wasn’t there a documentary about how Marty McFly figured it out? Time to get to work.
After amassing a bunch of screws (no one was even using those bikes anyway), 50 empty soda cans (major tummy ache) and a wee lawsuit (those stupid bikes), you realize that running face-first into the Engineering Cairn once does not make you an engineer. You can barely fix a toaster, let alone build a whole time machine, silly! You just wasted a week on this idea and now you’re even sadder than before.
Make up for time
Now that you only have a week left, the only option is to do everything all at once. Repeat it in your head — you can do it all. Paddle boarding while scrapbooking on your way to a farmer’s market after going to a rave is now your new everyday.
If all else fails...
At the very least, you’ve learned you can’t be at 100 per cent 100 per cent of the time. You have to balance all this pulsating brat summer energy with something more demure, more mindful. Try something like a guided meditation or picking up trash on the beach (since being eco-conscious is very demure). Neither will make you cool in any sense, but was anything on this list going to?
Whatever you do, you gotta get on it right now — you’re already wasting time!
Share this article
