How to break up with your friend after winning a Trek Excellence Scholarship

We’ve all had the thought. You look at the faces of your grinning, beautiful friends in the study hall and think, “I’m better than you.” And congrats! With the bestowment of your Trek Excellence Scholarship, UBC has given you the validation that your therapist refuses to admit: you really are just better.

After bleeding tuition, residence payments and a slew of random student fees to UBC, they’ve invested a generous amount (barely enough for one month’s rent) in you for a change. You’re cut from a different cloth. You’re in the top five per cent, better than all (domestic undergraduate) students (in your year and faculty) at the best(ish) university ever.

The natural next step is to stop associating with all your friends who didn’t get the scholarship. Here’s how to do it.

Post it on LinkedIn

You’ve been directly acknowledged by UBC. Surely an internship is just around the corner. Kill two birds with one stone by showing recruiters you’re a serious Trekker who surrounds themselves with the right people.

Here’s a template:

I’m happy to announce I am a recipient of the Trek Excellence Scholarship at UBC.

Thank you to the University and the Faculty of [insert faculty]. Special thanks to… the Trek Family? Mr. Trek? Tyrannical Rudolf’s Everlasting Konglomerate? (I don’t really care, it’s free money) for donating this incredible scholarship.

Unfortunately, this means I will no longer be friends with [Ex-Friend #1], [Ex-Friend #2], and despite all her impeccable relationship advice, [Ex-Friend #3].

If you have also received the Trek Excellence Scholarship, connect with me. Let’s make a group chat.

Google “break-up text generator”

Tried and true. If you want something quick and clear, these phrases work for both relationships and friends (who, let’s be honest, regardless of their scholarship-less status, are still better than your exes).

Here are some classic break-up texts that do the trick:

“It’s not you, it’s me.” (I have a Trek Excellence Scholarship.)

“I need to focus on my career.” (Which you clearly haven’t been doing.)

“We should start seeing other people.” (Of similar status.)

“You’re going to make someone else really happy.” (Try finding them below the class average?)

“You’re out of my league.” (Way beneath it.)

Throw a farewell party

If you want a more gracious exit out of your friends’ lives, text the group chat that you’re hosting a get-together and break the news all at once over Fanta and homemade brownies with Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” on speaker. It’s efficient. Straightforward. Delicious.

Think of it as the opposite of a networking event. Instead of exchanging business cards, make sure they delete your number from their phone.

As a final gathering, it’s a fantastic opportunity for some honest closure. Tell him to go buy deodorant. Tell her that her boyfriend is a scumbag. Tell them about that dream where you fought mutant squirrels together in a subaquatic helicopter owned by Jeff Goldblum’s evil twin.

Get it off your chest, then get them out of your life.

Final tips

However you do it, shed a maximum of 10 tears for the friends you’re leaving behind — any more is a waste of time and moisture. If they’re worthy, you’ll see them again when they catch up.

Congrats on your Trek Excellence Scholarship! If you don’t get it again next year… well, looks like you’ll see your friends sooner than later.