This article contains mention of eating disorders.
It’s really hard to listen to yourself.
At the end of a yoga class, an instructor will often ask you to reflect on what you just did, to take a second to recognize how you feel and what your body accomplished today, to think of things you’re grateful for and things that make you happy.
The benefits of including such a simple practice in your day are often overlooked.
You might know yourself better than anyone else does, but that might also be the reason you’ll choose to ignore what’s going on inside of you. You’re tired but decide not to sleep just yet. You go outside on a cold day without that extra layer to keep you warm because, “Eh, what the hell.” You might even go through your daily motions feeling weighed down by something, yearning for support and compassion, but only end up judging yourself harshly for struggling.
If your best friend felt the same way you were feeling, would you treat them how you treat yourself? Would you tell them to suck it up and get over it? That things are okay when they might not be? Or to keep their feelings to themselves and shove them down?
I want to invite you to have an awkward first date with yourself at least once a day. Take five minutes to stop whatever you’re doing and genuinely ask yourself how you feel. Treat it like you’re on a first date with someone you’re really excited to get to know. Give yourself the opportunity to share how you feel. From personal experience, I’ve learned that this is the best way to cultivate an intimate relationship with yourself.
I used to be extremely self-conscious as a young teenager. I was very aware of how my body looked and would constantly fixate on flaws, eventually only seeing myself as a series of mistakes. I developed an eating disorder and avoided going out with friends because I would never feel good enough that day to have fun. In those moments of solitude, I would never once ask myself how I was feeling. I’d despise the way I felt, yet I would never acknowledge the fact that I was actually unwell. Instead, I’d distract myself by binging on food and mind-numbing reality TV shows, pursuing non-solutions for the bigger problems I had.
Interestingly, it was when I took my first yoga class and was forced to awkwardly meditate at the end that I was finally able to acknowledge the feelings I had pushed away for such a long time. It turns out that the only way to love yourself is to actually be with yourself, to look within and pay attention to how you feel just as you’d ask a good friend how they’re doing.
“Listening to yourself is one of the most challenging and deeply rewarding endeavors you can embark upon. No one will ever hear you as deeply or understand you as richly as you can yourself,” said Doree Lipson, founder and director of a psychotherapy centre called Wellness Embodied.
She’s absolutely right.
Lipson is a clinical psychologist and a student of Soto Zen Buddhist teachings. I came across her profile on LinkedIn a few years ago and was fascinated with the connection drawn between therapy and meditation, the idea that mindfulness is central to creating inner peace captivated me and I began my own journey of getting to know myself.
I took the time to introduce myself to my own thoughts and I discovered that self-intimacy is like meditation. It’s checking in with yourself, acknowledging your emotions and giving yourself a break when you need it most. One day at a time, I rebuilt my mindset and learned to first tolerate, then like, and finally love myself. Ultimately, it’s cultivating this awareness with yourself that allows you to bond with someone else.
Intimacy doesn’t start with them, it starts with you. ❦
This article is part of Intimacy, The Ubyssey’s 2022 sex issue. You can read more here.
