If you get cold sores, you have herpes. If you get cold sores, you have herpes. If you get cold sores, you have herpes.
There, I said it.
When I got my test results, I cried for an hour. And then I cried some more. Not because I was scared for my health, but because I was afraid of what people would think. Part of me thought no one would ever want to be with me — that I was suddenly unloveable. This horrible thing had happened to me without me knowing, and it was never going away.
My mom was the first person I told.
“Do you see me differently now that I have herpes?” I asked, trying not to cry.
“I think you’re still the same daughter I had, just more grown-up now,” she assured me.
After a pause, she chuckled. “Just remember to use condoms.”
“I always do.”
Which — barring two ex-partners who had gotten tested and a couple of accidents — is true. I have always taken my sexual health seriously. I get tested every six months and expect the same from my partners.
But herpes is so common they don’t even test for it on a regular STI panel. I probably wouldn’t have ever found out I had it if my partner at the time hadn’t had his first outbreak. When he called me to tell me he had herpes, I didn’t know what to do. After countless Google searches and conversations with my closest friends, I decided to get tested. Multiple doctors repeatedly told me that getting tested while not showing any symptoms was rare and discouraged. But I wanted to know.
I don’t know how I got herpes, and I never will. The test can’t tell you how and when you got the virus. It could be from my partner but it could also be from someone else. I could have given it to him without even knowing — he was one of the partners I didn’t use barriers with. But a lot, and I mean a lot, of people have it.
HSV-1 and HSV-2, also known as the herpes simplex virus 1 and 2, cause a chronic viral infection. Although HSV-1 is generally associated with oral herpes, or cold sores and HSV-2 with genital herpes, HSV-1 can also manifest in the genitals. Both symptomatic and asymptomatic transmission through skin-to-skin contact is possible. Although there are ways to reduce and manage outbreaks, there is no cure. I’ve never had an active outbreak, but they can be painful.
The World Health Organization estimates that approximately half a billion people around the world have genital herpes, while several billion have an oral herpes infection.
However, the social price tag attached to the virus can have a more significant impact on sexual and reproductive health than the infection itself. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) recommends against getting tested for the virus unless you are actively presenting with symptoms. The CDC considers the mental health consequences of stigma worse than the benefit of knowing you’re a carrier of the virus.
But here I am telling you about HSV and how it’s not a big deal — anonymously. I thought a lot about just writing this under my name. Part of me felt it would take something off my chest. If I wrote about it and told strangers a screen away I have herpes, then it would just be another thing about me. But I got worried that it would become the thing about me. I worried that my friends would be surprised, future employers might look at me differently after they Googled my name and potential crushes would judge me. So I’m doing this anonymously.
I still feel anxious when it comes to dating new people. When should I tell them? How will they respond? Sometimes, even the most progressive people are insensitive assholes, and I don’t have the energy to deal with that.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m a firm believer in informed consent, so I want to tell potential partners about my STI status. I have a stack of resources I’ve gathered over time to help them out. But at the same time, I want to be wanted without hesitation. The idea that it might not happen scares me.
I have never been too comfortable with myself, so I navigated the dating world in a state of semi-acceptance that I would never get a super-loving, super-caring ideal relationship. I’m unpacking that in therapy. But add an irreversible STI diagnosis to that mix, and you swear off dating for a while. When I finally did start dating again — which means I went on two dates with a Hinge guy then stopped dating again for months — I disclosed my HSV status to him, dreading his reaction.
To my surprise, he was totally cool with it. It turns out the girl he dated before me also had herpes. But here’s the thing: he thought he knew about herpes. He didn’t. He didn’t know that HSV-1 and HSV-2 aren’t isolated to specific areas of the body and didn’t listen to me when I tried to explain. He just congratulated me for being so “brave.” So I gave up trying.
No one asks you if you get cold sores before they kiss you, or seem to care. But they get “weirded out” and won’t go down on you if they know you have genital herpes. HSV-1 can be transmitted both from kissing or oral sex.
I understand the concern. I understand school-mandated sex ed has failed most of us. Ideally, no one would like to have a virus in their body that occasionally painfully presents itself. At the same time, I’m baffled at how much we don’t know about sex for a generation that created the term “situationship.”
A partner who’s open and informed about their STI status means having a partner who knows their own body and cares about your health and pleasure. It means a partner who’s not only ready but is actually looking forward to talking about sex before you do the deed. I understand it can be scary to navigate, but sex with communication is so much better than uninformed sex.
If you just got diagnosed with herpes, I want to tell you that we are worthy of love and respect.
An STI status doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person. It doesn’t mean you’re “unclean” or “careless.” It only means you had physical contact with other people.
Yes, the virus will stay in your body forever. You can’t change that. There’s no cure, magical diet or miracle remedy for it. What you can do is learn more about the virus in question. Information is power, and it’ll ease a lot of your concerns.
People with STIs find love all the time. People with STIs have regular and amazing sex all the time. Your sexuality does not end with a diagnosis, but it can evolve and empower you as a result of one. Your diagnosis will become just another thing about you. ❦
This article is part of Intimacy, The Ubyssey’s 2022 sex issue. You can read more here.
