i wish before any of ‘me’ had started,
someone would have just warned me
that i
was never going to look
right
and
i wish someone had told me that that
was alright
sometimes i think that mirrors were just built to haunt me
i think as i grew i learnt to overcompensate
there was never enough space
for me and for my body
to breathe
guilt
tell me-
if i hold my breath for at least an hour and a half and
i (is this supposed to be here?)
if i am never seen in photographs: looking happy
will i turn into a better thing
to hold and to behold
to admire and to respect
and to love
?
are people meant to be so aware
all the time
of the way cheap fabric caresses their skin?
or of the way they just appear
unsophisticated and unpretty and unlike (is this supposed to be here/ can we cut this?)
unlikeable
are people meant to hate?
oh- this is just my face
it must be difficult to be repulsed
gross! disgusted
by
the very thing that carries you
and your brain and your heart
and your kindness
kindness! a thing they never taught you to be
to yourself.
you find yourself a stranger
to the things your friends talk about all the time
because you will never believe that any of it
was ever meant
for any of you
why don’t you ever think
that you are meant for more?
because i was taught-
that my worth was based on how i looked
i was supposed to look a peculiar way to the world
and i-
i just don’t look like that.